There is a light that glows continuously in the universe. It is eternal, ever-present, and unending. This light is the source of life. It can be for each of us the source of joy, wellbeing, aliveness, in fact that which makes everything in life charged with exuberance and gratitude at the miracle of being. We can be filled with wonder and excitement at participating in the enormous adventure of life. This light is infinitely expressive, constantly seeking ways to manifest in ever-unfolding, ever-increasing varieties of expression. Participating in this process brings us untold joy and delight.

We, humankind, have the opportunity to be the channel for the expression of this light. As the most developed creatures on the planet, we have been granted attributes which permit us to unite our inner self with this indescribably beautiful light, to be an expression of this energy, and to share in the joy and delight of the unfolding processes of Life.

This is the story of how one neurotic, self-absorbed, occluded individual came, through his own personal experience, to realize the truth of the above paragraphs.

I suspect that there are many people like me who spend a great deal of their life in suffering. We are plagued with heavy feelings that rob us of life, of interest, of energy. We don't know how to get free of these feelings -- in fact we don't even know what they really are. Sometimes life seems hopeless, desperate, joyless.

But I have found a way out, a way that leads to exuberance, aliveness, peace, and fulfillment. I feel extremely blessed in proceeding from feeling miserable most of the time to now, at age 73, feeling content most of the time. I am able to immensely appreciate the wonder and beauty around me, the joy of being with good friends, the marvelous sustenance and euphoria that comes from sharing deeply with my partner, and having a fulfilling sense of meaning and purpose in life. I am grateful to the many exceptional friends who have been so very supportive and helpful, and particularly for finding a path which kept me moving, though at times quite errantly, on the path to fuller realization.

We are crossing northern Arizona on a mid-September morning, following Interstate 40. The year is 1990. My wife is driving, and I am sitting at my lap word processor, attempting to describe the state I am experiencing.

It is a real test of my writing ability, for how can mere words possibly convey the grandeur and the beauty we are immersed in? It is outstanding countryside, taking us first through canyons and rugged mountains, with marvelously sculpted rock formations, alive with a palette of colors. Each hill has its own distinctive surface, carved into gullies and walls that form its individual character, reflecting light and revealing shadows that make up a fascinating picture. The ridges rise one beyond the other, under the commanding surveillance of the highest peaks. Time is non-existent; the myriad manifestations of nature's most powerful forces demonstrate unending eras of time that make a single human lifetime a passing second. Yet the impact of the vast eras is very much in evidence, testimony to the wonder and mystery of the forces that shape the surface of our planet.

Further on, the landscape evolves to long-stretching, green plateaus, bounded by rising slopes of dark green, wooded hills. The fields are alive with flowers, countless brown-eyed Susans lining the highway, with a groundcover of tiny yellow daisies extending as far as the eye can reach. All under a pale cerulean sky, with just a few puffy, distinctively shaped clouds to add interest.

But all of this is only a hint of the penetrating sense of Presence that permeates it all. I can feel the radiant light that descends and suffuses everything, that sharpens the detail, and illuminates distinctive shapes and patterns of the vegetation, that gives a sense of wonder and some powerful, inexpressible meaning to everything in view. By simply sitting, observing, and appreciating, the light and underlying meaning grow in intensity, and I am filled with overflowing gratitude for the goodness, wonder, and beauty that our Creator has bestowed upon us.

I am not under the influence of any substance. But I am at a place that I have always longed to be, prayed to be, and for which I have undergone many years of intense searching and learning and finding, to finally taste the joy of communing even meagerly with the Divine Presence. And hopefully to learn more about how to stay in this communion.

I'm beginning to run out of feeling and am writing somewhat on memory. So I do what I've learned to do -- become extremely still, quiet my mind, and allow space for God to reenter my awareness. Hopefully He will bring some inspiration.

How do you write of the Infinite? How do you describe the grandeur? How can you describe feelings that go beyond anything you have ever felt before? There must be new words for states of joy, states of ecstasy, states of fulfillment and satisfaction. Do they exist in Sanskrit? I am not enough of a scholar to know, but the Easterners have been exploring these states for many centuries, and no doubt have a much better vocabulary. They probably have not been translated into English, for in the objectively-oriented West there is little knowledge of the referents.

Now that I have opened myself up, waves of joy sweep over me and I am transfixed by the surrounding beauty -- marvelous green meadows, flower-studded, with pine trees standing as guardians at the edges. The high mountains in the distance have a nostalgic appeal.

Now Mount Humphreys comes into view. It has the gentle slope of high volcanic mountains like those forming the island of Hawaii. Why have such mountains always moved me so? They are commanding; their towering height is indicative of great accomplishment and stature, they carry the scars of countless centuries of erosion and proudly wear the marks left by sun and rain and snow and freezing winds. But more than that, they are a symbol of greatness, of majesty, of the recognition of a superior order of things. I am reminded of the slogan carved across the top of a California government building in Sacramento: "Give me Men to Match my Mountains."

What a privilege to ride along in an automobile and look out on such beauty, to feel the marvelous sense of joy and Presence. I feel the forces of evolution; I can almost observe the course of developing civilizations.

But then I become aware of the pain and suffering of the world. And the profound sadness of realizing that a simple change of attitude on the part of people everywhere will resolve most of the difficulties. I am torn by the contrast between the misery of the world and the sublimity of my current connection to the Central Source of life and energy. I fervently wish that humans everywhere might have the privilege of experiencing this joy and this wisdom. The constant questions are: How may others experience this? Is there any way to help?

I hope my own life journey will yield some useful information for others seeking to answer the above two questions. My own search has been long and arduous. My primary interest has always been personal growth, another way of saying how to learn to feel good. Having a reasonably good analytical mind, I have always sought the most effective means. I believe that I have discovered what works best for me.

I am excited by the path of development I have followed, and I feel privileged to have experienced the things that have happened to me.

My path has been primarily that of psychedelic exploration. From my very first experience in April, 1956, I concluded that LSD is the most profound learning tool available to man. It took many years to become familiar with the characteristics and potential of this and similar substances, and with the most appropriate ways to use them. Many more years of study and application brought a steady increase in growth of awareness and knowledge. These substances are very powerful, and they give access to vast dimensions of the human mind for which we westerners have very little understanding. Used with little skill or knowledge, they can produce very unsettling experiences -- so unsettling that the medical profession has chosen the term psychotomimetic (psychosis-mimicking) to describe them. What may be worse, they may produce convictions of new, superior wisdom without revealing how to employ such wisdom in ordinary life. Some are convinced they have the ultimate answers, yet are still unaware of their own self-deceptions. While very much at home in the levels of universal love and Oneness, they have failed to resolve deeply established habits that interfere with the expression of integrity and compassion in their day-to-day life.

But as way-showers of appropriate values and behavior and revealers of man's ultimate capabilities, they have in my opinion no equal anywhere. Best results are obtained when used in conjunction with an on-going spiritual discipline and practice, and in the companionship of experienced and knowledgeable associates. Prime prerequisites for these journeys are honesty and a true appreciation for life in all its bountifulness. Commitment to the welfare of oneself and others favorably enhances the outcome.

My experience with psychedelics, greatly enriched in the latter years of my life by exposure to some of the practices of Tibetan Buddhist meditation, has opened up extended areas of understanding. The famous Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung has stated that realization of our ultimate self is a process of making the unconscious conscious. Psychedelic substances greatly facilitate this process. Jung has shown us through his relentless, fearless, dedicated exploration of his own unconscious that the unconscious reveals an enormous range of wisdom -- from one's own hidden personal dynamics, to the archetypes underlying human behavior and development, and finally to the very essential nature of reality and creation.

A very important aspect of these inner dynamics is our Shadow. My own experience powerfully confirms Jung's emphasis on the importance of encountering and integrating shadow material. The Shadow, which includes all of the painful and undesirable material in our lives which we desperately wish to hide from consciousness, imprisons a great part of our energy and unconsciously exerts a powerful influence upon our behavior against our will. Yet it contains the energy and wisdom which will make us whole, give us true understanding and a real zest for life.

Shadow material is extremely difficult to face and acknowledge. The failure to do so, I am convinced, is largely responsible for the world's difficulties, and particularly the pain and suffering of the world. Lack of understanding of shadow material is responsible for our enormous drives of self-interest -- for the greed, anger, and striving for status and domination that stands in the way of human compassion, harmony, true wisdom, and creativity.

Facing my own shadow has been enormously difficult and painful. I feel certain that I could never have approached it in any depth without the aid of psychedelic substances. These have helped in two ways. The first is through their wondrous ability to dissolve defenses and resistances for the earnest explorer, so that access to powerful unconscious material is permitted.

More important, they allow access to the Celestial level and the discovery of the Divine Love and Grace which permeate the universe. If one can reach this level of experience, it is so overpowering and leads to such utter gratitude and trust that there is no hesitation in putting oneself in the hands of the Supreme Teacher. One is willingly led, if need be, through the dungeons of human agony and the distortions of one's own personal creations to achieve freedom, understanding, and a more profound level of love.

I wish very much to share with you what has been a most exciting journey for me, a journey which has been wondrously fulfilling. The following pages summarize my life in the psychedelic world. It starts with my spiritual quest and introduction to what I prefer to call the sacraments. This led to the establishment of The International Foundation for Advanced Study in Meno Park, California, where research was conducted with LSD and mescaline for 3-1/2 years under the supervision of psychiatrist Charles Savage, M.D. Another twenty years was spent researching promising new compounds as they became available.

Throughout this time, I was busily engaged in my own personal development process, which is documented in considerable detail as drug trials progressed. Because my marriage relationship was so central to my personal growth, I have devoted a separate chapter to provide an overview of this part of my life. I also report on experiments with other persons and with a variety of compounds.

To restrict interference with the flow of the narrative, I have compiled certain accumula tions of data and conclusions in four Appendixes in the back, and refer to them in the text where appropriate. These appendixes may be consulted to clarify language or concepts used in the individual reports.

There is much confusion and misinformation in the world concerning psychoactive drugs, what they do, and their potential usefulness. Work reported here indicates a number of valuable applications, and considerable potential to enhance learning. All of this can be accomplished comfortably and safely with informed use. The potential value seems to clearly indicate the initiation of new scientific research in this field.

I hope that you will enjoy and find useful what follows.