Thanatos To Eros, Chapter 9

One of the great joys that Jean and I have experienced is sharing MDMA with our family. We found special pleasure in drawing closer in love and understanding to our relatives. First we introduced our daughter Dede (Jean's daughter, whom I adopted after we married), and then other family members. Several proved to be gifted travelers. Details of some of our experiences together follow:

Dede. I first met Dede when she was ten years old. I was accompanying some friends to visit Dede's mother for the first time. Dede met us on the outside steps in the court of their apartment house. Slim, extremely cute and personable, I hoped she looked a lot like her mother.

After Jean and I were married, Dede and I had our problems. Jean had previously focused her entire attention on Dede, and provided her with everything within reason. Dede very much resented my intrusion into this very nice setup, which diverted Jean's attention to me. For several years we had an armed truce. Each morning I would come down the hall, and Dede would step out of her room with a sullen look on her face. I greeted her as cheerily as I could, but most of the time got a barely audible response.

One of the greatest moments of my life was several years later, when Dede was moving to her own apartment and Jean and I were preparing to move to the high desert. I was in her room with her, a flamboyantly decorated room alive with color and new age posters. This was her private space where she was free to express herself in any way she wished. Many of her secret longings, as well as her artistic talent, were splashed on the walls.

We were discussing our impending separation. Dede said to me, "Dad, I want you to know that all these last few years when you've been telling me things, I pretended not to listen. But I heard every word and I knew you were right, and they have helped me a lot."

I was quite shaken by this announcement, and overcome with tears. I have a hard time not crying as I write this.

As soon as the experience develops to full intensity, Dede becomes aware of the way she is treating her body. She finds that she is drinking too much alcohol and not getting enough sleep. This is impressed upon her time and again.

We have excellent communication among the three of us, with the marvelous freedom from defensiveness so characteristic of this substance. We end the day with excellent bonding.

Dede has been suffering for some time from stomach problems, which her doctor has diagnosed as spastic colon. She is under a lot of tension from a number of changes taking place in her life. Her boyfriend is moving to San Diego to go to school, and she will soon be leaving her apartment for a new one.

In thirty-five minutes we are all well into the experience and enjoying it immensely. The ocean is a wonderful stabilizer and source of inspiration. Everyone's voice, face, skin soften. All of Dede's stomach pains disappear. She feels free of pain and tension for the first time in months. She watches the breakers, seeing them as long smiles, and the ocean saying, "Come play with me!" She writes some poetry. We are all having an outstanding time.

After the supplement, Dede says that she has never felt better in her whole life. She is very grateful for the experience. One person suggests looking down on our bodies, and if we notice any tension or pain, heal it. It works!

I find the ocean and heavy surf a great stimulus to exalted thoughts -- the timelessness, feeling of eternity, the marvelous state of the world, the hope for mankind, the wonder of these materials and those that make them possible. There is a superb feeling of centeredness.

It is an enormous grace to have our family drawn close together in such a satisfying, euphoric experience. It turned out to be Dede's last experience for several years. She found that leaving us after being so closely bonded was quite painful, and didn't care to go through the distress of separation again.

Manuel and Selma. One couple in our family is especially interesting. My relative Manuel is an extremely open, good-natured, life-affirming person. Over the years he has followed my work with great interest, and had several very rewarding LSD experiences with Al Hubbard.

Selma is German-born, and moved to the United States after marrying an American officer, whom she later divorced. She is very attractive, very bright and sensitive, and fun-loving. She and Manuel have an ideal marriage, in that they are very much in love and thoroughly support each other. Selma has at times a sharp manner of expressing herself, which has been a bit difficult for some of the rest of us to accommodate. However, we have all grown by accepting her and by developing the inner strength to not let her criticisms, real or inferred, bother us.

Selma is quite a perfectionist. She is also very accomplished, so that whatever she tries turns out well. She was an excellent artist, and made a living by making rapid, cute, inexpensive paintings. She gave this up when she married Manuel. She is a gourmet cook, and her home is outstandingly decorated. She and Manuel travel a great deal, and they have filled their home with beautiful art objects. Unfortunately Selma puts herself under a great deal of tension, so that she has suffered from chronic pains in the abdomen for many years.

Eight years before the arrival of MDMA in our life, we thought an experience with LSD might relieve her stomach pains. Unfortunately, we did not handle the experience well. We drove to Death Valley, which in those days was a favorite way to savor the sacraments. We learned much later that many people do not relish being cooped up in a car for hours under these circumstances. Also, there were several people in our party, so that Selma felt under pressure to perform. We did not pick up her discomfort, so did not give her adequate attention. Selma found her pain heightened, not only during the experience but for several weeks afterward as well. Her lack of further interest was quite understandable.

So we were rather surprised when ten years later Selma became interested in our descriptions of MDMA, and wished to participate.

Our first journey with Manuel and Selma was at Christmas at our home in the high desert. A younger couple to whom we are related also joined us.

Selma has a rather difficult entry, feeling a lot of resistance, inability to concentrate and slight nausea. She feels somewhat better as the experience develops. She is a good sport and takes the supplement despite her discomfort. We all move into a warm, close space and feel more and more alive. Except for Selma, we are enjoying the experience enormously and are very grateful to be together. Selma's state improves, which deepens the sharing and the bonding. The next day she has opened up a lot, and tells us a great deal about the hardships of her life in Germany during World War II. It was always a scramble to get food, and the Russian soldiers were aggressive, primitive peasants. She was in some very difficult situations with them when they took over Berlin, and she survived by her guts and her wits.

It was over a year before this same group came together for a second trial. It was heartening that it came at Selma's request, despite the fact that she had previously experienced a lot of resistance which manifested as dizziness, feelings of faintness, and unpleasantness.

What was fascinating to me was that none of these previous symptoms showed up in Selma's second experience. Despite it being a year later, she took off from where she had left off previously, and moved into a very enjoyable and fruitful experience. This dynamic has shown up a number of times in subsequent experiences with people. More than with any other substance I have observed, it seems as though they start from where they left off before. The amount of elapsed time between experiences does not seem to be a major factor. This is a characteristic that very much warrants specific investigation. The report of our second experience follows:

This turned out to be a most rewarding day for all of us. We were able to perceive the best qualities in each other, and as we verbalized our views, our self-esteem, acceptance, and level of love and bonding rose to enormous proportions. We were able to turn our attention to very specific family problems which under ordinary circumstances would be very difficult to discuss. But here, engrossed in love and with no trace of defensiveness, we could share our perceptions freely, insightfully, and without rancor, leading to much heightened understanding and closeness. But best of all, the inner good feelings kept growing and growing, until we were filled with enormous gratitude to be with each other and feel the love that we all shared. What a magnificent contribution to our family!

Judith. One of the most remarkable people in my life is my beloved aunt Judith. From when my brother and I were small kids, we loved to bask in her radiance. She is a very bright, delightfully outgoing person, with sharp, penetrating perception. She sees with crystal clarity what is right and what is wrong, and has very little tolerance for those who sluff off. And she is an oustandingly giving person. At the slightest hint that someone she knows may be suffering from some discomfort, she is immediately there with hot chicken soup, blintzes, or a batch of cookies. Being an outstanding cook, any goodies she shows up with are always welcome.

When my mother died in 1956, Judith and her husband, Nathan, moved to Roswell, New Mexico, to live with my Dad. A few years later Nathan died of Parkinson's disease, his last years made much more pleasant by Judith's scrupulous care. She made an agreement to stay with my father and look after him until he passed away.

Any person would be extremely lucky to have Judith look after them. She is thoughtful, compassionate, understanding, and absolutely tireless and unselfish in ministering to the needs of others. My Dad certainly had it good. He had excellent meals just as he liked them, warm companionship, and could bask in Judith's delightful presence.

It wasn't always easy. Dad was demanding and unappreciative, like a lot of us, and could be quite cruel in his negligence of Judith and her needs. And as for we brothers! We were delighted that someone so capable was taking care of Dad, so that it didn't disrupt our busy lives. This went over with Judith like a lead balloon!

But she didn't suffer in silence. She spoke her mind to us time and again, and we began to wake up and lift some of the burden of looking after Dad's welfare. But it was not enough and too late. After Dad died, it took a while for Judith to overcome the bitterness. But she is a very forgiving person, so that in time she dropped her resentments and we could all be friends.

While Judith was looking after Dad, I kept them abreast of my work in psychedelic research. Judith had her hands full, and paid little attention. After Dad's death, she moved to Tucson to be near her two sons and their families, and to do what she could for their welfare. She always had had a great deal of respect for me, so now she became much more interested in my work. After a few years she felt that she had done all that she could to help her family, and was satisfied with their well-being and self-sufficiency. So she could take the chance of having her mind altered, even if it was irreversible.

She had heard quite a bit about MDMA, and this seemed the ideal substance to introduce her to this new world. After Dad died she had become quite close to Manuel and Selma and to us. We agreed to share a journey together. So this is how a 79 year old woman undertook her first experience with MDMA.

It was a beautiful setting, in a smartly appointed home. We and our hosts, Manuel and Selma, were already very close from sharing our love with each other.

We all take 120 m.g. of MDMA. It comes on delightfully gentle and euphoric. We are all in a most enjoyable space, thoroughly appreciating each other. As it reaches full intensity, it opens a floodgate of communication for Judith. Living alone, and not having intimate friends in Tucson, and not being too well understood by her family, she had withheld an enormous amount of thoughts and feelings. Now it all comes gushing out.

She is so intoxicated she slightly slurs her speech, but continues almost non-stop. As I observe her, she is like a powerful, bright, radiant light. There is a marvelous, luminous quality to her being; it is a joy to be in her presence. Her mind is sharp and clear; she allows absolutely no wishy-washiness to obscure her vision, no matter what the cost to herself.

She has been very hurt by the misunderstandings that have developed within her family in Tucson. Judith observes everything in an extremely clear light, and immediately expresses what she observes. She does not see that for people without this clarity of vision, her remarks can be very scathing. She recounts at great length the faults with various individuals and their unthinking, often unintelligent actions. And how much she has been hurt by their reactions, which have included disbelief, opposition, rejection. Having a very strong disposition herself, she doesn't understand how much people are hurt when their delicate egos are threatened, and how powerful are their defenses.

It is a great relief to Judith to be carefully listened to, and she unburdens a great deal of her resentments. Then through our general discussion, she begins to appreciate that others may have a different viewpoint, to which they are entitled. And she begins to see that real love and concern requires honoring others, and being careful not to confront them with information they are not really seeking. Fortunately our own group, with our deep love for Judith, is a marvelous example of how caring people communicate. She is a very sensitive person, and deeply feels the love from us all. As we talk and explore different aspects of relationships, and as the experience develops, we continue to draw closer and closer. It reaches the point where she experiences love far greater than at any time previously.

Judith is an extremely honest person. More than anyone I have seen, she was determined to take the lessons she had learned and apply them directly in her life. She lost no time in talking to her sons, her daughters-in-law, and her grandchildren. There was still a lot to work out for real understanding, and of course it is difficult with a one-sided approach. But her understanding of the dynamics between her and her family grew rapidly, as well as her self-confidence and contentment with herself. She felt her MDMA experience was an enormous grace, and completely changed her life. No one I have known has worked with more determination to bring her life into accord with the teachings of her experience.

Judith has had MDMA two additional times. Each time she has honestly examined her situation and has seen more clearly. She has come to realize that some situations cannot be resolved, and not everyone wishes to take her advice. She has learned to offer it when it is wanted. But she has come to peace with her own situation, and no longer allows others to dictate her well-being. Everyone in our family who knows of her experiences greatly admires her courage and her honesty, and her desire to be the best possible person that she can be. And every one of us consider it a great honor when we can spend time with her.

Repeated experiences with family members continued to heighten our bonding and the joy of being with each other. This has brought us full appreciation for what a family can mean to each other.

While this same bonding and appreciation grows from sharing with good friends, I am drawn to feel that a primitive, basic requirement is fulfilled in pulling family members together. It is as though learning to be close and acknowledging and supporting each other starts with the family. It may be my Jewish heritage and the emphasis that Jewish people put on family. And often it is hardest to develop intimacy with those to whom we are closest. What is certain is that the results of this approach are very satisfying.