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Bummers Most of what has been excerpted for inclusion in this volume are outstanding events and discoveries. They represent experiences which on balance have been enjoyable, rewarding, and steps toward realization. But not all experiences are enjoyable. To partially balance the record, I include here accounts of the most miserable experiences I have had. The following is a report of an experience with TMA-6. It is my only experience with the substance; I have not been eager to try it again.
I take 40 m.g. in a group of nine people. Dosages range from 35 m.g. to 50 m.g. As
the experience grows in intensity, I feel a strong negative component developing. Several
attempts of using techniques to get free of the discomfort are unsuccessful. Others are having
a very enjoyable time. Two members report that it is just like MDMA.
I attempt to join others in conversation. Because of my discomfort, I have a difficult time following them. In one conversation with two others, I am amazed at their sensitivity and subtlety of perception. I feel like a clod by comparison. As soon as something is mentioned that I don't grasp I blank out completely, as though all further input is hopeless until I go back and clarify what I missed. I have a difficult time expressing myself. Nothing I can say seems worthwhile. I see the great value in understanding other people's perceptions and images. I know I must try. The others are considerate and patient in helping me communicate. Despite the excited conversations that everyone else is having, which would usually draw me like a magnet, I have a powerful need to go inside. I spend time alone releasing to the experience. Although I do not break through to relief, I drain off sufficient discomfort to occasionally join the conversation. But the discomfort continues to grow. We sit down to an elaborate, beautifully prepared dinner. But my discomfort reaches such intensity I cannot sit at the table. I feel like screaming with madness. I go lie down. A female member of the group comes and puts my head in her lap. She is very comforting and I feel her deep love. She talks to me about things which start to engage my mental faculties. When she mentions that others are watching to see how I solve this problem, I realize that at least I can be better company for the others. I rejoin them, and begin to enjoy the experience. The others leave; Jean and I are spending the night with the hostess and host. I am wobbly and it is hard to keep my attention focused, but I manage to help clean up the kitchen. It feels good to get in bed, but the chemical is still driving hard. I become aware of my sexual inadequacies and selfishness. I toss and turn all night without sleeping. At seven a.m. the next morning I am somewhat rested despite no sleep. I begin to focus attention on the experience. I flow love, which leads to an enormous breakthrough. I find myself in a stout, hemispherical shell, curled up in the solid part, thoroughly walled off but absolute master within the shell. I am calling all the shots, making all of the decisions; I am in complete control. Moving out of the half-shell means becoming vulnerable, which I refuse to do. This results in my inability to hear others and share their perceptions and their lives. I keep relationships shallow and pull away into my shell rather than become involved. I like to be to myself. This is a great revelation; I had never seen it before. This event dissolves away my tension and I move into a state of great clarity. For the next two hours I lie and review many aspects of my life with much understanding. I see my difficulty with my son and how to improve our relationship. I gain insight into my business operation. My anger with some of the personnel and what I perceive as misdeeds are largely a projection of my unhappiness with myself. As I clear up the things that were bothering me, a gastric disturbance that has bothered me all night disappears. The rest of the day following the experience I felt completely normal with no affect. There was not the usual post-experience elation. Instead I was very matter-of-fact, very detached. I functioned effectively as required in the moment. The previous day I had been quite disturbed by not being able to discover what was wrong with me. The resolution occurring the morning following the experience brought much peace. I wondered if it were necessary to go through all of that anguish to find resolutions, and whether part of the discomfort might have been the result of this particular drug. But as time passed and I got further away from the experience, I remembered only the good parts and how good I felt afterwards. I am extremely grateful for this breakthrough, but am content to put this particular substance behind me. BOD. This is my first trial with a new substance, BOD(2). I take 20 m.g.; hardier souls take 25 m.g. As it gathers momentum a deep, underlying discomfort develops. While some of the positive aspects develop, like visual enhancement and appreciation of the beauty of nature, the discomfort has grown so that the beauty is marred. I am not entirely crippled; I can enjoy some things, but my attention span is very short and I cannot follow anything requiring comprehension. I have some queasiness that fades in and out over a three hour period. Listening to others becomes more and more difficult. I lie in the sun and attempt to find the source of my discomfort, without success. The most likely source is my zeal in helping others -- I am aware of their difficulties, and seem to gather them all up within myself. Then I am unable to discharge them. Nothing I have previously learned to free myself from discomfort seems to work; I have very little volition, and finally simply succumb to the experience. After several hours, the discomfort finally drains off and I begin to enjoy the experience. Beauty returns; I feel the warmth of the group and a strong sense of Presence. Though not elated, I have a strong, powerful sense of goodness, inner strength, and solidarity. This experience produced a powerful aftermath. Some deep inner barriers were dissolved. Although languid for a couple of days, I broke free and alertness, energy and strength became pronounced. I functioned with ease and clarity during visits with friends and family. The ten hour drive home had all the dimensions of a true psychedelic experience, with the advantage of occurring spontaneously without effort. Although the above experience included a great deal of discomfort, the outcome was superb. So I was anxious to try it again. Also, I was curious what effect the group made, and elected to do the next experiment in our home. I also wondered if a lighter dose would ease the discomfort. Jean did not plan to participate, but simply stand by. As luck would have it, a dear friend needed a ride to the hospital in Bishop. Jean volunteered and I was left alone.
I take 15 m.g. of BOD. It intensifies considerably in two hours. So does the feeling of
squeamishness; it helps to sit outdoors in the sun.
Over the next two hours I do a great deal of searching within with the help of a mirror. The internal discomfort is present but not disturbing. I accept it, confident I will work through it. I see clearly my method of functioning is to choose a goal and plod toward it with such determination that I shut everything else out, particularly Jean. I lie down and am gripped by fear. I realize I have not consulted my deeper self and find this prospect frightening. I open up listening to music, Stravinsky's Petrushka. As I develop the capacity to listen I am struck by the beauty, depth, variety, and creativity of the music. It is superbly engaging and beyond words to describe. Taking previous advice, I change my fear to wonder and take off on exhilarating, exciting journeys. I ask what I am afraid of; the answer is love. I find that consciously directing love requires exertion; I feel too tired to do it. I force myself, and energy begins to flow. I am hit with an enormous impact: love is never tiring!! I discover my enormous need to be right, and how I love to win. This is the source of my addiction to football: I love to choose a team and exult when they win. And suffer miserably when they lose. But the bottom line is not accepting who I am. My withdrawals fill me with energy. I am extremely intoxicated, but still manage to function. I feed our dog Spatzy, mind the stereo. When I'm up I am jittery, restless, need to pace. I go back to music. I realize I have to turn on love, keep creating it. When I stop, the uncomfortable feeling develops inside. I flow love to other people. This is an inaccurate concept; it assumes something is wrong with other people. The world and people are already perfect. Some just don't know it. I can help the most by seeing them as they truly are. I remember a friend telling me that when he takes LSD, the first thing he does is heal himself. Another friend said you must first love yourself. Taking their advice, as discomforts develop in my body, I flow love into them until the discomfort disappears. This is marvelous, marvelous. At one point I feel born again. But this time I am extremely grateful, glad to be alive. I practice the meditation of watching the breath. This also is an exquisite experience. I very much feel God's presence and the wonder of the breath and being alive. Breathing connects me to eternity. But what happens when the breath stops? This brings fear, but I remember you can learn nothing except with trust and love. I flow love and reach a state of utter stillness. I become so quiet that energy can flow in from the deep mind. This is healing, cleansing, euphoric. I cannot hold this very long, but I am able to repeat it several times. I fully appreciate the importance of reaching this quiet, still space. I become aware that I have violated a compact I had made before taking birth this incarnation. This was to hold steady who I really am. Instead I am swayed all over the map by my own and other people's problems. I must re-commit to holding reality steady; this is the best thing I can do. The aftermath of this experience was even better than a recent powerful experience with 2C-B (following MDMA). This had more solidity, more strength, permits being more down to earth. Also, without anyone else present I maintained a constant inner dialogue, which led to a continual flow of ideation, much like LSD. I am most pleased, as I had previously attributed much of my feeling of well-being to strength gathered from others in the group. There is a remarkable difference between the first and second trial of BOD. Part could well be the learning or growth that comes from the initial experience. The lower dose may be an important factor in maintaining volition and the ability to focus and direct the experience. In fact I was surprised to learn how important it was for me to make conscious decisions and exert the effort to love. This kept turning my experience around all day.
Aleph 4.
I take 7 m.g. of Aleph-4 with Jean and three other companions. We go to
one of our favorite hiking places on wooded, grassy slopes not far from the ocean. As the
effect of the drug comes on I experience discomfort. This continues to grow for several hours.
It feels like a solid, miserable weight in the center of my body. The discomfort reaches a peak
of intensity that is most distressing. It is a heavy, dull ache that totally absorbs me.
Fortunately, after a couple of hours the positive effects begin to develop, and I alternate
between suffering and enjoyment. In time the enjoyment begins to outweigh the discomfort.
By the time we return home in the late afternoon, I am substantially enjoying the experience.
This is a very long-acting substance, and I am unable to sleep the entire night. I keep releasing to the experience, and suddenly realize that I am the anti-Christ! I am doing horrible things to my family and to my friends, being totally absorbed in self-centeredness. I see how this interferes with learning and destroys intimacy. I get insight after insight about people that I know and how we relate. I get a large dose of my unwillingness to be considerate of others, be aware of their problems, or attempt to be of help. I arise the next morning extremely tired. It is Father's Day and we have a date in Santa Cruz with my son and his family. I would love to stay in bed, but I know I must master my feelings and prepare for the day. The house is a mess from entertaining our guests. I clean up with great pain, forcing myself to make one move at a time. I move like a zombie, slowly and deliberately. It feels as though all previous habits have been washed away, and I have to weigh and decide each act. The amount of work seems hopeless to accomplish, but I know I must do each step, regardless of the cost. Making a deep decision to perform each act overrides the pain. Once in the car things ease up, and the day progressively gets better. The next day at work I experience considerable undefined anxiety. At lunch I eat pizza and minestrone, which dissipates the anxiety. I understand why people each starchy foods to relieve their inner discomfort. I felt the effects of this experience for many days. It made an enormous impact on me; it was a striking blow to my self-centeredness and self-preoccupation. A subsequent experience with a larger group repeated and intensified the discomfort without the beneficial learning, so I lost interest in this particular compound.
All of the above experiences were very valuable, and great learning experiences. But is it necessary to be so uncomfortable? The causes of uncomfortable experiences are hotly debated. There are persons who claim that some of the new substances are toxic. Others state that we all have different body chemistries and some drugs do not sit as well with us as others; different people can react differently to a particular drug. Or we may encounter deeply buried, painful material. I have never ingested ibogaine, but I have interviewed several who have. They hold ibogaine in high regard as a powerful agent of learning and change. After my experiences with BOD, I am tempted to conclude that a powerful agent for change is the uncomfortable feelings that may occur. One is so miserable that you can't help wondering, what is wrong with me? And you are willing to look for any solution. This includes a thorough review of anything you might be doing wrong in your life, and an exhaustive search for anything that might ease the discomfort. I confess to a powerful disposition to make all experiences meaningful. The fact that they are unpleasant does not necessarily mean that they are not valuable. In fact, the discomfort most generally arises from the resistance to experiencing painful material. So if such material is successfully encountered and resolved, there is a great gain in psychic freedom and well-being. It is an important part of Tibetan Buddhist practice to use adversity as a means to the path of enlightenment. Alan Wallace, in his book A Passage From Solitude, presents Seven Point Mind Training as he has translated it from ancient Tibetan texts and received from oral transmissions. He states that the third point is perhaps the best-known aspect of this training, and is entitled Using Unfavorable Circumstances As Aids to Awakening. I am grateful for the inner searching I have done, and the growth and development that resulted. And if it took considerable discomfort to propel me into the need to search, so be it. The results are salutary. But having once covered that ground, and learning what was offered, I see no need to go that route again. I have learned that the appropriate use of love is the most effective learning aid. I believe this tool can be used with more benign substances. Of course pleasant substances do not guarantee pleasant experiences, as who knows what may be lurking in the unconscious, or what the Supreme Teacher has in store for us to learn? But I don't need to load the dice against me, and shall probably not try BOD again, even though it worked well for others. Fortunately there are a lot of new, exciting substances to investigate further.
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