My first experience with 2C-E: I am at a low point in my life. I'm very weak from surgery, and I'm very depleted from the lack of exercise.

I take 12 m.g. of 2C-E, selecting from the known range of 10 to 20 m.g. In the early hours I move through quite a bit of heavy stuff, but I accept it gracefully. In the middle and late afternoon I reach an enormously rewarding, exalted state.

In about 40 minutes from starting, I feel slightly squeamish. I lie on the sofa, looking out the window. I feel very heavy. I accept this and enjoy the view. It feels great to lie down, relax, let go.

I examine a sacramental ritual worked out by a good, knowledgeable friend. It focuses me in a rewarding direction and leaves some of the discomfort behind.

I find it rewarding to sit up in a meditating position; it immediately intensifies the experience. I remember hearing a Bartholomew(2) tape yesterday saying achieving spiritual awakening is like birth, moving from a confined area to expansion. This is certainly happening to me now. Walls dissolve and I rapidly expand into space with marvelous elation. Then I begin to feel fear. I simply breath through the fears, and as I do this, they dissolve and are replaced by a comforting elation.

I lie down again. I experience the enormous intoxication of power. I am very taken with it; it feels marvelous to have and exert power. Examining the attraction of power, I am struck with a deep, deep sense of failure. I feel inept and completely unsuccessful as a writer. In fact I have developed no skills at all other than intellectual. Even with the thing I feel best at, sharing sacramental journeys, Jean does most of the work and I do very little to help host our guests. I feel my unworthiness far stronger than ever before. I see the deep Jewish pattern of developing intellectual and highly critical mental faculties with no genuine warmth. In fact, it makes us very critical of others, and unliked. I also profoundly feel again that projects for solving mankind's problems are very inappropriate if we can't get along with the person we live with. I see how very primitive is the evolution of mankind; we are still in the earliest stages of development. Because of our powerful egos, it is extremely hard to get along with the one other person we live with, much less additional ones in the same household. It seems almost hopeless for groups to learn to live together. I see why two different groups that I know are trying to develop satisfactory communities. While I don't know any that really work, I become much more sympathetic to their efforts.

Meditating again and holding my mind steady, a deep, extremely profound and powerful light grows within, completing revitalizing my insides. I keep meditating, but can't hold the focus. I realize that I must express gratitude for such a profound experience and balance it with activity in the world, not just keep seeking more experience.

Outside I am fascinated by the loveliness of the sky and the way the clouds light up. We dwell on gratitude, which makes everything open up more and more beautifully. All shades of discomfort, tiredness, and lethargy are gone. My body feels rejuvenated, overwhelmed with beauty. There is a marvelous flow of energy and feeling between Jean and me. Clouds are incredible, and come fully to life as I hold still to watch them. Thinking is extremely clear; there is a wonderful flow of insights.

I decide to investigate the power of love. The beauty, love, and wonder grow indescribably as I watch. Gratitude continues to intensify it all. I feel that one need never be afraid to look and discover something, because if you don't search with love, you won't be able to find it. Our fear prevents the opening. When one searches with love, the love overcomes the fear and opens the door. If one is afraid of death, one won't find out anything significant about death until one looks with love. And it seems to me that whatever one looks for with love is discovered.

Jean leaves and I sit on the deck to watch the clouds. I feel loneliness at her departure. I accept this and look at it, and find I can't be alone while realizing God is with me. I become absorbed in His presence, watching the beauty. I then realize that everything I am looking at is me, and as I look around at the beauty and feel gratitude, I am playing with myself! This is a fantastic feeling. I watch the dogs sitting quietly on the deck, totally attuned to the sounds they hear, the energies that surround us. They appear to have an enormous capacity to thoroughly enjoy themselves by being in tune with all of nature around them.

Taking the dogs for a last evening walk, the loneliness comes over me again. I feel loneliness as the greatest human problem, and see we can do an enormous service to relieve the pain of others if we can help them to learn to look for their fulfillment in God, where they need never be lonely again. My own loneliness disappears as I turn my attention to resolving the loneliness of others. This seems axiomatic: my own pain disappears as I am concerned for others.

I am struck by a thought, had I ever said I wish I'd never been born??? I seem to have one time said this or thought it deeply. I look around; I can feel very little appreciation for life or for my surroundings. As I look at myself over the past, I see much unhappiness. Am I really enjoying life? I don't feel enthused about anything. Am I ready to die?

I close my eyes to seek inwardly for an answer. I find I am extremely frightened by growing old. I am desperately trying to stay alive, trying so hard that I am using energy that would keep me alive for a long time. I fetch a mirror to examine myself. As I look, I feel I am much too involved with myself. I need to turn my attention to the welfare of others. It feels preferable to be more concerned for Jean's well-being. I must learn to overcome the inertia that keeps me from doing things.

Apparently something within me won't forgive. I decide to once and for all look deeply into my past to see if something happened to me that is the source of all of this misery. I remember from last time to look with love. It is hard work searching with the light of love, but it is extremely rewarding. As I lovingly search it is very pleasant, and a lot of deeply repressed material releases. It feels superb. Very striking, pronounced imagery begins to flow, as a beautifully-colored, flowing fluid. It is marvelous to watch; it requires holding very still.

I am feeling much better, and I take the dogs out for a walk. I am again overcome by loneliness; I simply breathe through it. I feel a great, awesome sense of trust for the universe. We have unending ingenuity to solve all problems and make life wonderful for everyone, if we can develop the correct attitude.

I think again about the problem of how very difficult it is for people to learn to get along with each other. I feel I am living my life as a test of whether this can be done. Can two people who often don't like each other learn to love and care for each other? I brought Jean out here away from everything so that we completely confront each other and learn how to do this. For all it's ups and downs, it's working!

I start up a hill, and it seems there is a light shining down from above. I postulate in my mind that when I reach the top of the hill, I will be in glory. I reach the top, and I am!! I am surrounded by light and beauty. The clouds are all lit up, revealing enormous splendor! I am overwhelmed with euphoria. At last, I thought, I have the secret to becoming creator. I need only to think and imagine remarkable things, and they will come to pass. I felt this is what happened: my mind projected it, and then a more powerful inner force brought it into reality. I am absolutely elated. I sit down to do more. But it won't work!!

I am thoroughly dismayed, and sink into depression. I didn't have the secret after all. I look at the mountains and become still. I become aware of the old Buddhist axiom of not striving. It seems clear that if I pour my energy into creating beauty and euphoria, this simultaneously creates an empty hole which I will subsequently experience as the opposite. The answer is equanimity -- let things be as they are.

I remain still for a while. I am so still I can hear all the rumblings within my body -- my heart beating, the blood circulating. I become so still that I can hear the very heart of creation. It lasts only a second, but enough to convince me that in that stillness is the source of everything.

Several times during the day I was able to look up into the light and draw myself into a higher, more wonderful state of being.

Jean comes home while I am just returning from outdoors. I am in a strange space, not elated nor enthused, feeling rather empty. I feel perhaps I had taken too large a dose, and had no volition over the experience. And it was more fun when Jean accompanied me. Jean puts on some peppy music, and I am transformed. I dance freely, energetically, and all vestiges of ill feeling disappear. I gather energy as I dance, and am elated. Physical movement brings an exhilarating transformation.

That evening I realize that I really am creating my life more wholesomely, that focusing on good thoughts and outcomes does bring results. I feel I have opened a whole new door to life.

I have taken 12 m.g. of 2C-E, followed by 3 m.g. more some two hours later. I lie down and release to the experience. As usual I feel fear, but I also feel trust. It is an enormous relief to just let go to developments. It is very difficult to stay tuned in to what I call the interface with God(4), but this is the most worthwhile thing I can do. I feel release and cleansing, dissipating the tensions within me. I go through myriads of feelings, some of them incredibly intense. They include powerful anger, feelings of expansion to the exploding point, deep, deep inner tensions that wrack my body like a birth experience. Sometimes the anger is so great that I feel that it could break the very bones within my body. I would not be surprised if few persons choose to go through such discomfort. I wonder if advanced meditators have covered this ground, or if it is necessary for others. I find it best not to think about what's happening, but just stay tuned in and allow to happen what wants to happen. This brings sublime relief.

Late in the afternoon we sit on the deck. The sky is full of clouds, and is absolutely beautiful. I look out, thinking that this is all me. I remember both Richard Moss and Bartholomew saying that we are already whole. I begin to experience this.

I get into the mode of prayer. I thought I had recently mastered this in my everyday life, but it dissipated away. Now it is in full force. I very much feel God's presence. I look Him in the face (as nearly as I can project Him directly in front of me!) and ask Him to show me myself. He immediately does so. I find it extremely difficult to sit still enough to receive the answer, but I do it. As I relax and let go, I see the incredible beauty of the sky and my surroundings, and understand that this is me. Tensions build up in my body, and I know this is resisting. So I relax more and let God reach in and heal. He is so very, very gentle, if I just let go and allow His penetration. A brilliant light grows in the clouds, with enormous power, beauty, and light. It feels very satisfying to have it happen spontaneously, rather than my making it happen.

Then I grow empty; the exalted feeling is gone. I simply relax and let it happen. Then I find myself looking at the cold, heartless core of myself that I first experienced in a previous experience with my son. I observe it for a while, and then a powerful anger grows in me. I realize that I am the Anti-Christ!! Everywhere, I move to defeat God and His goodness. I try to seduce God by being kind and loving, to use His ways, but actually I want to destroy Him and all His works!

Then a marvelous thing happens. As I sit looking at my rebelliousness, a subtle feeling begins to grow in my gut. It grows stronger and stronger. Then I realize it is God's love! It continues to grow stronger, and I discover that He loves me despite whatever I do, no matter how much I am against Him. This is an utterly indescribable love, binding all of creation. It is truly unconditional love, the most perfect model we can emulate.

The clouds have become incredibly beautiful. It is impossible to find the words to describe them. They are alive and charged with meaning. My perception of them is crystal clear, and it is profoundly moving to watch them. With the sharpness of every minute detail, varying shades of light and color, moving patterns and shapes, they exemplify the indescribable nature of pure being.

This is one of the greatest experiences of my life, surpassed only by the one in 1963 when I became God. But I feel that today's realization is more profound and will be more accessible, since so much has been cleared away in order for me to feel it. It is glorious to bask in, to be this love. I realize that it is there all the time, and it is simply a case of letting it in, becoming it.

After a while I begin to feel empty again. I realize that I did not express appreciation for the outstanding grace I experienced, and instead am looking to intensify it. I spend some time in gratitude and appreciation, which restores elation, bringing back all the good feelings in full intensity.

2C-E is remarkable, the most effective psychedelic of which I know. It attacks the inner dross, and while it is not always pleasant, it is tremendously rewarding, bringing great honesty and clarity. I look forward to additional exploration.

Ten days later: I have had better retention of this experience than any previous one. I am still plagued with the problem of backsliding, but I'm handling it better.

Our friend Gil is with us. I have taken 12 m.g. of 2C-E. Gil and Jean have opted for another substance. He feels he has a lot of important work to do.

Gil is stewing in his problems. I am feeling very heavy, and decide to take a supplement. Gil tells me I don't need it. I know he is right, remembering the last time we were together that things cleared up when we faced and resolved issues. I feel we need to do the same here. It works!

Later we are outside drinking in our surroundings. Again I am feeling bogged down. I decide to look inside as I try the same approach of allowing myself to feel the feelings in hopes of resolving them. But this time it comes to me that this is an old habit, and I now have lots of evidence that it takes a new direction of focus. I look up into the sky, which is filled with beautiful clouds. I begin to get an amazing sense of energy there, and I open myself to allow it to flow in. It does, and everything starts to change. I allow love to come in and wash away the old feelings. The beauty of the clouds grows to incredible intensity, and the feeling of love among us grows in proportion.

It is an outstanding day, with a superbly beautiful assortment of clouds. There is a giant, long lenticular cloud, starting about 15 miles to the north and extending southward, covering us and beyond to the south. The lenticular cloud has many layers of rounded, smooth surfaces, built on one another. In addition, there are spaces in the clouds revealing many different layers of formations, and these are moving in different directions. As we look up we are overcome by the remarkable feeling of aliveness, the continual movement, the vastness and spaciousness. We observe the delicacy of design in different clouds, varying from mists to ripples to eddies to strings of cotton and lace. All are in a vast, alive, moving whole, radiating enormous energy. We are completely captivated. And behind it all is an enormous sense of Presence.

Gil and I both feel the infinite energy source that is radiating into and filling the sky. I express how powerful is the mind of man, that we can shut all of this down until we are oblivious to it. I pray to be as open as possible, and accept it as fully as I can.

I practice being very still, which allows things to open further and become more profound. I experiment with holding the thought of love, which allows copious volumes of love to mobilize and pour into us, the surroundings, and the world. I verbalize what I am feeling, "When two or more are gathered in my name, there will I be also." Jean asked, "Why two?" I have had a lot of experience lately in feeling the Presence while alone, but the presence of the others definitely deepens considerably the feeling and profoundness of the love I am experiencing.

I can't imagine what could be more beautiful or more blissful than what we are experiencing together. Earlier in the day I had had trouble feeling deep closeness to both Jean and Gil. Now the closeness and communion are overpowering. I delight in looking up at the clouds and playing with my mind. Is it best to simply hold still, or to choose an issue for my mind to focus on and let the universe unfold it? It works both ways, and seems best to switch back and forth, as if sticking to one dynamic gets overdone. At times I feel tension rising in my body, as I am so invested in pouring out love. I realize I don't need to do this, and relax, allowing the love to flow in from the Source.

Now a new phenomena commences. As the sun descends behind the mountain, the sky fills with amazing colors -- wonderful purples, pinks, even some green, and delicate shades of blue where there are no clouds. It is incredible, nothing like anything ever seen in my life; some of the colors I have never seen before. We walk around the house to see various parts of the sky, as the display is going on everywhere. Each direction yields a different pattern.

Then we notice something that we can't believe or account for. The sun is now set comfortably behind the western mountains, but in the east, rays of light are shining forth as from a new sunrise! We watch for quite a while, and the rays change somewhat and get more intense. But we can't unravel what is causing it. It seems to us to have very special significance, such as a new dawn for mankind.

This show goes on for at least three hours. Another strange thing happens. As the sun sets, the huge lenticular cloud hanging over the valley and suspended over our heads grows dark. But then it lights up again, with a wonderful cream color! This lasts another half hour, and is as inexplicable as the rays in the east.

We are all very grateful and very moved by this display. It seems to have special significance tied in with our experience. Especially as the huge, lenticular cloud dissipates and shrinks, the body of it stays directly over us.

We are deeply impressed with the enormous power that has appeared from beyond the range of our ordinary perceptions. We are filled with awe at the unfathomed mystery of creation, and this direct demonstration of how little we ordinarily apprehend. Gratitude fills us to overflowing, and we re-dedicate our search to the unfolding of the Mystery.

In summary, this is an extremely intense experience, with agonizing wrenching away of deeply buried, highly impacted core debris, permitting me to rise to a profound level of realization and understanding beyond previous experience. I reach a state of great clarity. I understand with considerable depth my preoccupation with miserable feelings, and how to deal with them. Also, the painful but near complete scourging away of resistance and repressed material opens the door to a more continuing state of well-being.

At two hours the experience is wild, I am extremely energized, almost jittery, but I can't get into a space of feeling good. None of the impressive things I felt in the last experience, like God's unconditional love, seem available. I have a brief period of doubt wondering if I should have taken so much so soon after my last trial without spending more time integrating. Then I remember my goals and close my eyes and go to work.

For the next couple of hours I release to inner experience, staying focused on my feelings and working through them. I go through myriads of intense feeling -- deep anger, powerful tensions -- much more intense and deeper than the previous experience. I feel I am cleaning up debris down deeply in my core, and feel very good about what I am doing. As I work through these deep feelings, I feel better and gain more volition. This goes on for several hours.

I look at different situations and see with remarkable clarity. I look over my recent visit to Texas and clearly see my dynamics with several individuals that left unresolved feelings. Through forgiveness I am able to feel genuine love for the parties concerned.

All this time I am surrendering to the experience, using what volition I have to simply stay focused on what is happening. Then it occurs to me that I must take a more active role. I feel I must grab the torch and carry the light of love into the dark places, clear up the agony and suffering. This is very hard work, since I feel so tired and the resistance is so great. But with determination I get it started, and then God moves in and helps me. It begins to work beautifully, and my whole experience turns around. This becomes an incredible endeavor. I see that this is my role, to be a channel for God to carry His light into the dark places. I am overcome with emotion and the magnificent feeling of God's Presence and appreciation. Mere words cannot possibly describe the beauty, satisfaction, and fulfillment of this understanding.

After feeling exalted, I lapse back into uncomfortable feelings. But I realize that my job is to move in and clean these up with love. Instead of looking at the feeling, trying to understand it, living through it, I recognize the negative feeling as an indicator to where love needs to move in. I focus love on the negative feeling, and see that this is my role, -- to relieve whatever agony and pain I can see anywhere by being a channel for bringing in the light of love. It is the highest service, and requires a willingness to face deep pain, which I had certainly done a good part of the day. This isn't easy, and I can see clearly why I have avoided it. However, the knowledge of God's power and love makes one a willing instrument, whatever the cost. I feel very rewarded and privileged.

Jean has gone to her favorite chair by her desk, and I go to sit with her and watch her. I go through my feelings of being inadequate as a man, and feel energy swell within me. I turn on some dynamic music and we dance. Energy surges through me, and I am overcome with realization after realization of love. I feel God pouring through me, and that I am an open channel. The feelings are indescribable. I am inordinately privileged and full of joy, for as I dance, God is dancing, and He appreciates me making it possible for Him to do so. And everything around me, like our cat, relishes this opportunity to be with God. I easily assume different roles and postures. I am a wild young lover, and quickly change to a creaking old man, which I delightfully demonstrate by hobbling bent over around the room.

Then I am a ballet dancer, followed by a curious child. I am full of fun and joy, and at the same time enormously overcome by the sheer wonder, beauty, and ecstasy of it all. Then I feel very blessed for having made and stuck to my commitment to Jean. Many times it has been tough and very uncomfortable, but now I am reaping the rewards. I would never have rooted out these deep barriers in my soul unless I had relentlessly pursued seeking love in this relationship.

I take 12 m.g. 2C-E. I have my typical initial period, working through a lot of heavy material by lying still and confronting it. We have recently returned from a ten day tour of Hawaii with Bartholomew, where much of the instruction was on deepening our meditation. While I learned a lot and benefited significantly, it is immediately apparent to me that the efficacy of meditation for realizing a clear state of being can not at all compare to the use of these substances. I really need this experience to improve my state of well-being.

Wondering why I am so tired, I discover deep anger at growing old. I terribly resent it and the bodily discomforts that accompany it -- stiffness, arthritic symptoms, stiff neck, less energy. I resent the loss of my powers. I see I need to grow old gracefully. My fussing over it only makes it worse.

I walk outside to my flat rock (see description of the flat rock in Appendix III, Procedure). I am besieged with a variety of points of view. I see my struggle for goodness and light, the conflicting horrors of the world, the different positions of others. It all seems like nonsense. Then an overwhelming insight descends on me: The whole purpose of life is simply to enjoy!! If it's no fun, forget it.

Listening to the Berlioz Requiem, I am flooded with admiration for Berlioz's skill as a composer and the sheer magnitude and beauty of the composition, as well as the skill of the performers. I am immediately moved to a profound level of love. It seems the most beautiful composition I have ever heard, astounding in content, creativeness, and performance. At one point, I see death like a troop of Hitler's Gestapo, marching toward me. It is intermingled with the light produced by the beautiful soprano voices. Death is not threatening.

Then the horn crescendo bursts forth with the most incredible honor to God imaginable. I ride with it, but I am not completely immersed in the music. Part of me is holding back, mocking. I feel my total independence, total reluctance to being told what to do, my colossal arrogance. Then another utterly outstanding passage sweeps me completely away. No matter what I do -- rape, murder, cheat, lie, steal -- God still loves me!! I am totally undone, and cannot contain my sobbing. The profundity and absolute constancy of God's love is beyond comprehension. Jean is having a full blown experience just being present. I pray to learn to love with the kind of love I have just experienced.

This was incredibly moving, and released all the inner tension and unresolved feelings I had been experiencing. We hear the rest of the music in phenomenal joy and delight.

The rest of the day goes beautifully. I am in a wonderful space of clarity, and can examine many different things. Sitting on the deck with Jean, I become aware of many aspects of her beauty. A marvelous feeling of peace steals over us. The world around us is filled with beauty and the Presence of the One. If a discomfort arises, I focus God on it, and it resolves. However, I find that if I try to make this a rule, it stops working. It is only by maintaining a live, deep interconnection with God that He joins me in my endeavors. Otherwise it is the ego taking over to establish its own power. But in general, discomfort and negative experiences are melted in love.

I think about the differences between 2C-E and LSD. As great as the latter is, with its outstanding clarity and beauty, this somehow feels more kindly, more strongly centering, more fruitful. Who knows whether this is a genuine difference in substances, or a reflection of the work that has been done, or some other factor? What I can say is that it is an amazing working material, with a very great deal getting accomplished.

During the day, I become aware of my enormous self-hatred. Also, I clearly see that the things I resent in Jean's behavior are simply a reflection of my own poor behavior. At one point, sitting on the deck with Jean and pondering different relationships, it seems clear that no matter who you chose as a partner, you will probably end up reflecting to each other the other's worst characteristics, calling for resolution. I again see my own reluctance to put myself out much for others, and this results in a very uncomfortable energy block within me.

I think over the day's experience. What a marvelous, outstanding day!! I encountered a great deal of my own unnecessary baggage, and 2C-E, as I claim, seems to burn it up. And as the dross burns away, the light can come through. I am enormously grateful, especially the next day, when I feel completely rejuvenated and whole. I am very glad I stuck with the low dose. The feelings encountered were at times quite uncomfortable, but I realize that they are me, and that it's very important to be at home with them. Clearing them up, or being willing to ride through them, permits an outstanding high level experience for me.

Watching the sundown while walking out on the rocks is a marvelous experience. I am completely at peace all alone, an important achievement for me. It seems clear that the very best I can do, both for me and the state of the world, is to simply be fully who I am. If I can maintain this state, it will automatically work out the best for everyone.

As the underlying negative feelings dissipate, I am left with a wonderful sense of well-being that perceives everything that happened in an exalted light. I very much appreciate the uniqueness of my own being, and see that we each have our own experience to offer. I can be proud to contribute what I experience without trying to prove anything or convince anyone.

A good uphill climb following this experience proved that my body was much rejuvenated. Exercise is a marvelous way to integrate the experience and throw off some of the residue left after a hard working day. I found I had dropped my concerns about aging, and many of the bodily symptoms of aging were gone.

I take 8 m.g. of 2C-E. I decide to work on a paper I had once started on how this material level of creation came into being. I think the paper starts well, but I can't see how to continue past where I had stopped before, when single-celled life came into being.

I lie on the sofa. I realize I don't know shit. How preposterous, to speculate creation!! I don't even know how an amoeba came into being, or if anyone does!

I look at the vastness of the unknown. I can see how fearless exploration with these substances might lead to gaining knowledge of how life came into being. I realize that the universe has been created in love. Then I experience the roaring anger of not knowing, which brings me back to the keyboard to write again. The following are my live notes:

This is a raging, raging anger. I don't know, and I absolutely hate not knowing, but at the same time I don't want to do what it takes to learn!! What a dilemma!! The dilemma of the world!!

At two hours, this is getting very intense. I am surprised at the intensity. I am typing perfectly!!! This is a real change, as I ordinarily fill the page with typos. I am going through a great struggle. I feel the need to stay conscious, in control, master inner feelings and work as a conscious human being. Right now this feels good. . .

Ten hours later: I had decided to go to my meditation rock (described in Appendix III). When I arrived there, I was feeling awful, dragging a heavy load. I was out of breath and had to force myself to climb the hill, which I was determined to do. A brief look around did not bring my accustomed contact with the Numinous. I lay back and relaxed with eyes closed.

I would really be a writer if I could describe what happened. I simply put myself in the hands of God, and all the discomfort began to slide away. This contact is the only contact in life that is important. It leads to everything worthwhile. But mostly it permits simply settling into what we really are, our true inner Self. Here I am tempted to use flowery adjectives, or expansive descriptions. But no, it is simply who we are. Resting there, being there, is beyond any description. Wonder? Glory? Profundity? As far as I can stretch my mind, the adjectives won't do. All the little devices, the little tricks I used to use to encourage me into this state, all seem terribly inept and even manipulative. Allowing? Letting? Are these better words? As I struggle for expression, the feeling once again comes over me. I want to do everything I possibly can to encourage it, to deepen it, to remember it in a way that can never be forgotten. All I can do is ask. The rest is up to Him.

But that's not true. I can do a lot! Prepare the way for the Lord! I see myself shouting, screaming, calling forth glorious music. Yes, prepare a way! And that way is an emptying out, a total cleansing so that He may enter an untarnished room, free of any dross whatsoever, and fill it with His radiance. Don't put new wine in old wineskins. But how can we possibly make it clean enough, pure enough for His Holiness?

Only in the clean, pure fire of love. Nothing else will do. It is love that burns out the dross. It is love that purifies and cleanses.

Light the fire of 2C-E! Let the flames burn away the dross, burnish the core of radiance that awaits to shine forth!

It is strange that just rereading what I wrote before and starting to think about it considerably raises my consciousness as I look at the mountains around me. This drive through the Owens Valley is a truly outstanding one. Surrounded by towering mountains on both sides of the valley, the views are very inspiring. I was blocked at the time by what it meant to prepare the clear space. Now as I think about it, it is what I have been saying for some time. The cleanliness is the purity of mind, the creating of the clear, empty space that God can enter. We don't throw away our past experiences or our memories, but it is our consciousness that we clear.

It is interesting that we spent the day yesterday hiking in the mountains with a student of Tibetan Buddhist meditation. We discussed a number of factors concerning reaching and maintaining a stable, clear mind. I have to say at this point in time that the best aid I know to getting the most realization from these psychedelic experiences, as well as on a day-to-day basis, is the mind training of utter stillness. It is this stillness which allows the Celestial to manifest itself in our consciousness, and to become our constant companion.

I lie down and close my eyes and am gripped by fear. I trust and breathe through it, finding myself flying through space. It is most gratifying to open myself to higher dimensions, from whence the rejuvenating, healing sustenance comes. Despite whatever fear or stressful feelings arise, keeping focused and letting go to this expanding edge brings a marvelous transformation of being.

I am feeling much better, and I make a comparison in my mind between 2C-E and LSD. The latter is the king of all openers, presenting the broadest, freest range of experience that I know. Yet now it seems to me that it is largely mental. The mind moves freely through all kinds of universes, but these universes can rapidly dissolve away after the experience. And I find myself involved in almost compulsive ongoing mental processes after such experiences.

2C-E, on the other hand, seems to strike much deeper within at an affective level. The changes made are much more permanent, or so it seems to me. Internal resistances, repressed feelings, and the debris that accumulates from contact with life burn off, leaving one free and whole and more strongly centered. It still requires focused attention to get the most from the experience.

I am suddenly aware of the deep, deep anguish inside of me crying for God. I see that all the pain of the world is this separation from God; this anguish is widespread. This pain is so intense that we bury it deeply, hoping never to feel it. To help us hide it, we pretend other things are important: status, accomplishments, possessions, amusements, power. But while we may temporarily enjoy such stratagem, the anguish remains undiminished until we finally address it. It may take lifetimes, but it is the only course to ultimate peace.

Then I see that I can pour in my love to help dissolve this pain. At first this feels absolutely wonderful. Then I begin to wonder, how far does this go? I don't need to support everyone, because doesn't each individual need to learn how to do this for himself?

Then an overwhelming realization descends upon me. This wondering is an intellectual attempt at escape. Even though it is true that each must resolve his/her own relationship to God, nevertheless I must give this loving support to every living being! And I can do this, because I am God, and can draw on infinite resources to support every creature! And there is no living thing that can be left out from this consideration! This is an overpowering realization. [I later discovered that it is a principle foundation of Buddhist philosophy that enlightment can be achieved only by committing oneself to the happiness and well-being of all sentient beings.]

I realize that from this point of view, the greatest service is to answer needs. The needs of every living creature everywhere demand attention, and answering them is what counts most. I can see how blind the world is to this proposition, especially with the War on Drugs and other wars, where people attempt to free themselves of their real responsibility by disposing of the offending creatures, or pursuing their own private interests.

As I sit overwhelmed with this responsibility, it comes to me that my first concern is my own partner and my own home. It is very clear that much needs to be done right here to be a demonstration of Divinity. With further reflection, I see that I don't need to go out looking for persons to help, but only need to deal with what naturally comes up for me in my life. It is also clear that looking for a way to help others can be a way of dodging one's own personal responsibility.

At five hours into the experience, I decide to see what it's like to write under the influence:

I am beginning to feel very good. The clouds outside have an indescribable, ephemeral beauty. I could easily spend the rest of the day just watching them.

But Jean says, if she were a painter, she should be in her studio painting. And if I'm a writer, I should be sitting here writing. So here I am!!

Do I want to try to recount where I've been? I don't think so. It's been tremendous, much learning, much insight. But is there some deeper, underlying principle? I can feel something deep within my breast. It is crying for expression. If I only knew how!!! Somehow it is the thing that makes everything make sense -- all the ups and downs, the euphoria, the deep depression, the agony, the screaming for recognition -- something underlies it all. Is it weeping? I feel that it must be, because it cares so very deeply. Now I feel helpless, because no words could ever approach it. And yet, it must take some more tangible form, some more tangible shape. I am on the edge of some great promise of what is to be. What is it??? WHAT IS IT????!!!!

A whisper of an eternal wind. What an eloquent, sublime feeling! I am annoyed because my manual skills are not paying due respect to the sublimity of experience. What is this whisper in the wind, what is this remarkable feminine Presence? I want to leave the keyboard and just experience, yet something holds me here. Oh, if I could only just let it flow through me in its utter elegance!! What would it be like to be tuned to the very center, to the fountain of utterances! And to have those utterances sublimely directed!! What word could possibly be given to account for it all?

Only one word. GRATITUDE. ---------------- Gratitude. Gratitude.
Gratitude has its limits. You can only be grateful for the reality that you can perceive. Therefore to be fully grateful, one must encompass more and more reality. As I look up into the sky, I see the beauty and wonder expand enormously, and my gratitude swells with it.

What happens if one opens one's mind to what is beyond that and then beyond that and then beyond that????

I look up at the sky and expand indefinitely. Nothing specific comes. Just unending visual clarity. I hope for some accompanying feeling of bliss, like Dr. Wolff's experience I had recently read, but affect was absent. Then all of a sudden, a great realization strikes me. Many people that are now being born are the ones that were pushed aside in the past by those asserting their own programs. So when you murder them and put them out of the way, they only come back!! Sooner or later we are going to have to learn to deal with them!! There's no escaping them!!! At last an answer to the theme that has been reoccurring through the last several journeys -- why does the population keep exploding?

We have no choice. We must learn to get along with each other.