Thanatos To Eros, Chapter 3

For those who have been privileged to enter the sacred regions and appreciate the vast array of learning at our disposal, the psychedelics are priceless substances. But one stands out as especially unique, with outstanding characteristics exclusively its own. This is MDMA, code name for 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine(1). The most fitting description that I can give it is that it is an outstanding Grace.

David Nichols(2) has suggested a new class for this and similar acting substances, recommending the name entactogens -- substances which allow "touching within." Ralph Metzner, in a paper "Psychedelics and Spirituality" delivered at a 1983 conference in Santa Barbara, has suggested the name empathogens -- substances which bring one closer to oneself and others.

MDMA is not hallucinogenic like other psychedelics. It is in most cases quite euphoric, bringing about a sense of peace, wholeness, and well-being to the participant. It permits one to see the world in an exciting new way, alive with energy, color, and euphoria. And remarkably, these responses are quite uniform over a wide range of participants.

This characteristic of uniformity is quite different from other psychedelics, where an enormous range of responses is possible. Results with the most active psychedelics depend on a variety of factors such as the subject's individual value system, the state of his/her psyche, the subject's aspirations, and the setting for the experience, including the character of the companions present. While these factors are also important for MDMA, the action of the drug considerably overrides their influence, providing a much wider range of acceptance for suitable candidates.

I will never forget my own introduction to MDMA. I was still in the stage where every psychedelic experience started with several hours of discomfort, as I previously reported in Chapter 2. This was the first time this did not happen to me. Once the drug took effect, there was a marvelous energy rush, and I was in a state of euphoria! Everything around me was delightfully infused with light and energy. Never had I so enjoyed an experience. Observing that I was well into the effects, my sponsor came over and said to me something that I shall never forget: "Welcome to my world!" And what a world it was. A beautiful, loving, euphoric world free of the dead serious learning and striving I had always carried with me into these journeys. A world alive with light, energy, meaning, and especially love.

MDMA was a great discovery, and Jean and I immediately began to study it more extensively. As we got more familiar with it, we began to define some of its characteristics.

While MDMA did not lend itself to introspection as readily as some other substances, it did permit a great deal of clarity and self-understanding if one were motivated to turn his/her attention in this direction. Problems were accurately perceived and their solutions apparent. There was a remarkable tendency when in this state to feel exceptionally whole and with no need to defend oneself. Participants could readily discuss differences with others with remarkable freedom and insight.

In a study that Charles Wells and I did on 2C-T-2 and 2C-T-7, we compared the first time use of those substances to the initial use of MDMA. We had this to say about MDMA in our paper(3):

MDMA has been widely used and reported upon. The most complete treatments are Adamson (1985)(4), Eisner (1989)(5), and Beck et al. (1989)(6). Eisner (1989) contains a complete, annotated bibliography of the scientific literature on MDMA through 1988 (including a sampling of the popular literature) prepared by Dr. Alexander T. Shulgin. In our trials, we most often administered an initial dose of 120 m.g. followed by a 40 m.g. supplement at the one and one-half hour point to sustain the experience. This dose level seemed optimum with a surprisingly wide variety of subjects. We found the major characteristics to be a satisfying feeling of being centered and whole, a feeling of euphoria, freedom from uncomfortable or untoward responses once the full effect of the drug was established, a sense of inner security with no need to defend oneself, and an ability to look at oneself honestly and with detachment.

Our subjective observations of MDMA are reported in more detail in Chapter 14, Story of a Marriage.

After a number of trials of MDMA with other people, it became apparent that this was the best substance with which to introduce people to psychoactive drugs. With other substances, we had always used great care to make sure that the subject was ready for an experience that would greatly alter his perceptions, understanding, and perhaps his view of himself and his behavior. MDMA is so generally euphoric and non-threatening that a much wider range of subjects can benefit from the experience without discomfort.

We were privileged to have so useful a tool, and extended our study of it to a number of people. One area of application that was particularly satisfying was with our family. We were extremely gratified with the level of bonding that resulted from sharing MDMA with different family members. Even my older brother, who was a particular nemesis of mine in my childhood, consented to share the experience. While he never became an advocate, he enjoyed the experience. Joining him permitted me to drop some ancient grievances for the bullying I had received as a younger brother, and allowed me to perceive him in a warm, new light. While advancing years alone can produce maturity that enhances closeness, this experience created a bond that shall always remain.

While sharing the experience of MDMA with close family and friends was always satisfying, we began to become aware of a limitation. The experience was most enjoyable and very centering. Yet it did not open the doors to a wide range of exploration as effectively as other psychedelic substances.

Another disadvantage was the large amount of chemical ingested. This produced some toxic side-reactions, such as jaw-clenching and muscle tensions. We found that continued use of MDMA gradually eliminated these side-effects, as though the causes were being dissolved away through additional experiences.(7) Even so, the aftermath was not the same as with the established psychedelics such as LSD and mescaline, which most often leave the body quite cleansed and rejuvenated.

MDMA is short acting, reaching a peak in one hour, and beginning to decline in another thirty minutes. A supplement at this 1-1/2 hour point of approximately 1/3 of the original dose will keep the experience going at peak intensity for another hour or so (others have reported that a two hour wait to supplement is more satisfactory). But once the effect wears off, the activity suddenly drops.

If one's psyche is relatively clear, the descent is quite euphoric, and the remainder of the day is spent in a very satisfying state of contentment.

However, if there is unresolved material in the unconscious that did not get dealt with completely, the drop in the action of the drug seems quite sudden, and one is left physically uncomfortable and somewhat unsettled.

To counteract this we thought, why not supplement with another, more powerful substance? This turned out to be a splendid idea. I particularly liked it, because what made the beginning of my psychedelic explorations uncomfortable was the negative karma I had accumulated, which had to be expiated before I could thoroughly enjoy the experience. Now I could dispose of this with MDMA, which occurred, I felt, automatically and very pleasantly. So when I took the additional substance, I was ready to soar into fresh spaces free of my usual psychic load.

This worked very effectively. In fact, everyone invariably reported that their experience with the psychedelic supplement was better than using that particular substance alone. MDMA is an empowering launching pad.

This worked so well that I embarked on a study to prove that every good psychedelic was better if first preceded by MDMA. It didn't matter whether the psychedelic was ingested at the normal supplement time, one hour and thirty minutes after ingesting the MDMA, or an hour or so after taking the normal supplement of MDMA. People often preferred the latter just to enjoy the MDMA state longer, and then go into the somewhat different experience provided by the second drug.

Unfortunately, this investigation was never carried to a conclusion because of the temporary placing of MDMA in Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act in 1985. MDMA was permanently made a Schedule I substance in 1988. It did give us time to find out that LSD, 2-CB, MEM, and 2C-T-2 were all enhanced when MDMA was taken first. We felt that MDMA and MEM was a particularly powerful combination for one earnestly seeking solution of his/her problems. More data on this last combination is reported in Chapter 5.

The procedure of starting first with MDMA might not have as much benefit for experienced explorers.

Because of the efficacy of combining MDMA with other substances, we focused our attention on these combinations for a period of time. Except for one report covering the combination of MDMA and LSD, this work is reported in the chapters covering the second drug.

At times when administering MDMA, Jean and/or I would choose a different substance to accompany the participants. In my own case, I was suffering from prostatitis. The extreme dehydration resulting from the ingestion of MDMA made urinating difficult even with copious amounts of water. It also caused painful urinary irritation. As this malady grew worse, painful urination would last as long as a week after an MDMA experience. And with frequent experiences, it was well to avoid the discomfort of the greater toxic after-effects of MDMA.

We found that a dose of 16 m.g. of 2C-B would allow us to enter the same space as those on MDMA and participate fully in their experience. It was unnecessary to take a supplement, and the descent and after effects were much improved. Still later, we found 2C-T-2 even more satisfactory, and it would remain active for a longer period of time. Doses of 8 m.g. to 12 m.g. are effective, depending on the psychic burden of the group (those weighted down with problems absorb more energy).

Undergoing a transurethral resection of the prostate completely eliminated the urinary problem with MDMA. However, by this time I had learned to use 2C-B or 2C-T-2 to obtain all the benefits of MDMA. These two drugs also permitted greater freedom in exploring other levels of thought and feeling. So I abandoned MDMA except for special occasions.

The scheduling of MDMA took place in 1985. Although set aside by an appeal, it became permanently scheduled in 1988, and remains so to this time. The legal ramifications leading to the scheduling of MDMA are covered by Bruce Eisner(5), pages 26 to 31.

The references in the notes of this chapter describe a wide array of experiences with MDMA. Below are a few excerpts from our own experience. For the most part, these experiences were conducted unstructured, simply observing how different persons would react. Carefully preparing the subjects, focusing the experience through serious intention on the part of the participants, and repeating the experience to further the results would considerably enhance the outcome.

This report indicates how rapidly strong negative feelings can be dissipated. Jean and I had tried MDMA only a few times when we moved to the high desert. Our enthusiasm for this new substance was so great that we were eager to share it with close friends.

Two weeks after our move, several friends were visiting us. Jean was not at all well, being worn out from our move and trying to fit our multitude of belongings into a smaller house. Her anxieties were compounded by having to play hostess before our house was properly settled. She reported that she was anxious, very depressed, and exhausted.

One astute visitor assessed her state, and suggested that we share MDMA. All agreed.

Jean took 100 m.g., the rest of us 120 m.g. It was a beautiful fall day, and we all opened delightfully to the experience. Everyone's face became soft, young-looking, and took on a transcendental look. Jean became deeply relaxed, and all of her troubles melted away. The supplement deepened the experience and increased the bonding among us. We felt blessed to be together.

The afterglow on the following day was outstanding. We had all been quite moved by the experience, and were reluctant to part. Jean had totally dropped the uncomfortable feelings of the previous morning. For the next few days she cheerfully undertook the considerable task of getting our home in order.

We are visiting a young friend, Adele, who is an excellent singer, accompanying herself on the guitar. She has been quite run down, dropping in and out of the flu, and is very low in energy. This has resulted in a very raspy throat and she is unable to sing. She hopes an experience with MDMA will be helpful.

Jean takes 100 m.g. of MDMA, Adele and I take 120 m.g. As the effect of the MDMA comes on, paintings on the wall come to life. The wallpaper is a dark gold; I see it getting very bright and attractive. I doubt if I shall ever see it dull again. I am intensely intoxicated, probably the deepest so far. Everyone's skin has softened; the two girls look radiant and beautiful. We all feel glorious.

At the height of the experience, Adele decides to sing to us. She plays and sings perfectly. Her voice is angelic; there is no trace of the raspiness in her singing, or in her speaking voice. She discovers that she has been pushing herself too hard, and needs to take more time to relax.

Jean and I were introduced to MDMA in a group, and found group participation most rewarding. We loved the interchange, the freedom of communication, the bonding with oth ers, often heightened by focusing the discussion on significant issues in our lives.

This was a welcome contrast to the directed, interior journey we employed in the Foun dation days, and used by many other therapists. While the interior journey is most valuable in getting acquainted with yourself in all of its aspects, group interchange has much to offer in developing social skills and an appreciation of others.

I often became aware that I was not really listening to others. I learned a lot about how to truly listen, and how satisfying it is when others listen carefully to me. I also became aware of my discomforts and how to be at ease with others, especially those who knew a good deal more than I did.

This group participation was so very rewarding that it was difficult to consider using MDMA any other way. But one time when Jean and I were sharing an experience, she felt introspective. I used the silence to look around at the clouds and the mountains. I found that the quiet leads to a far different kind of experience, much more like LSD. I saw much imagery and great beauty in the clouds. I experienced profound realizations of the power of love and how it flows from the Source as the greatest of all gifts. And how our lives can be transformed in expressing it.

On a different occasion, in taking a walk around the property under the influence of MDMA (something we usually don't feel like doing), the surroundings lighted up with signifcance and meaning, just as with the more powerful psychedelics. It became clear that even though each substance has its own particular characteristics and tends to focus in particular areas, once one became proficient at utilizing that substance, it can with volition be directed in other useful ways.

Estelle is a classmate of my daughter at Occidental college. She and a friend of hers, Graham, are visiting us in the high desert. Both are quite spiritually oriented and practice meditation. They had both used LSD in their earlier days with mixed results, and had abandoned it. While they had discovered some of the higher levels of awareness they were seeking, they often got into uncomfortable spaces that made the experiences unrewarding. Now they are intrigued by our description of the new substance, MDMA, and wish to experience it.

Estelle and Graham each take 100 m.g. of MDMA, Jean and I 120 m.g. Graham feels a powerful surge of energy and is riding a wave. The tension he usually feels with LSD is absent. He begins to glow brightly; there is nothing negative or painful. He reports a suspension of judgment and being more in the moment.

Estelle experiences some resistance. She finally breaks through, and is all smiles. She had been afraid that I would try to control her experience, since I had been so ardent about the virtues of MDMA. She is quite relieved to find that I let her have her own experience, and thanks me. Graham reports that I had been a bit too strong for him also. Now we all feel quite intoxicated, enjoying the beauty, the joy of being with each other, the superb feeling of love, and the ease of sharing with each other.

Estelle and Graham go for a long walk, thoroughly enjoying being outdoors, experiencing nature and deepening their relationship.

Reviewing the experience, Estelle had not experienced much enhancement in vision or colors, but felt things more deeply. She particularly liked the outdoors, feeling the wind and experiencing smells. She felt that she worked through some barriers and very much enjoyed spending a day away from the intellect.

Graham felt very open and that it was much safer to share. He felt very energetic and ready to frolic. He now has a greater appreciation of things and more primitive sensations.

As a result of this experience together, Estelle and Graham discovered how much they cared for each other, and some months later they were married. They now have two children and are pursuing successful careers.

We didn't hear much from them, although we were present at their wedding. About a year after, Graham confided in me. He apologized for not having expressed appreciation for the day we spent together. He wanted me to know that it was a turning point in their life and brought them together. For this they were both extremely grateful.

Veronica is a beautiful young girl of 30 years, a close friend of my son and his wife. She is a very sensitive person, and has a talent for channeling other levels of awareness. In the past she has been intimidated at the prospect of using psychedelics, but at last felt she was ready for an experience. Because of her sensitiveness, she starts with a lighter dose of 100 m.g. of MDMA:

She had a remarkable breakthrough. She was positive that she was going to die, so she decided to let herself die. She melted into the ground, and then appeared before a profound, brilliant light, the throne of God. She knew that she was with God, and that she God. She was in ecstasy, and began to sing. She turned into a delightful little girl, utterly alive, bright, full of joy and wisdom. She was so beautiful, inside and out, that she was a joy to witness. She felt her channel was wide open directly to the Source and was extremely insightful about whatever subject took our attention.

We all take a 40 m.g. supplement of MDMA, and the experience continues in the same vein for the next two hours. We all feel remarkably rejuvenated, and exult in the marvel of this experience.

About a year later we see Veronica again. She has had a miscarriage at three months.

She not only is suffering the loss of her child, but underwent some painful medical procedures. She is visiting to recuperate and would like another MDMA experience.

Veronica takes 100 m.g. of MDMA. Jean and I monitor on 16 m.g. each of 2C-B. As Veronica gets into the experience, she cries over the pain of her loss. She has always feared the death of someone close. But now things are changing. She sees the loss as a gift. Life and death are the same -- the problems are our attachments, what we think we want. God is present in the deepest pain. There is nothing but love. Life is so beautiful, so vast. We are never given more than we can handle. Life is never cruel; we are forced to open up to look. God loves us so much.

Veronica continues, life means so much more when we experience death, especially the death of the ego. Veronica feels one with all women. Heavy karma is now a blessing. Everything is more alive. It is a blessing to be a woman. This has been a most rewarding experience.

Veronica has made excellent use of her MDMA experiences, but does not choose to use psychedelics frequently. Her next experience is seven months later. Visiting us in our son's home, she suddenly realizes how much she yearns for another experience, as she is carrying an overwhelming load.

Veronica takes 110 m.g. of MDMA. As she gets into it, she requests my assistance with Focusing. This is a procedure developed by Eugene T. Gendlin; it is fully described in his book entitled Focusing(9). I have found this to be one of the most effective means I know to contact and release hidden feelings, and particularly to relieve the body of stress.

I lead her in the process, encouraging her to alternately feel without resisting the feeling she has chosen to examine and then find the most appropriate handle -- a word, phrase, or image that best describes the feeling -- as described in Gendlin's book. The action of the MDMA accelerates this process, and she responds dramatically. Her body expresses itself. It feels tired, neglected, unlistened to, pushed around. Veronica has not listened to her body for years. She loves her body, but there is much control, which produces stress. There are many people who depend on her; although she loves to nurture others, she has been overdoing it and has been neglecting her body. Now it is unhappy and alone. She finds that she doesn't forgive easily, but holds things close to her chest. She particularly wants noted in the record, FORGIVENESS IS THE ANSWER TO SADNESS. Now her body feels great because she has been listening to it.

Sophia has been a good friend since the days of the Foundation. She went through our program, and it made a very significant impact on her life. She redirected her life into spiritual growth. In the intervening years, she has made outstanding progress and has been a great source of inspiration for many whom she teaches. Her husband Gregory also has deep spiritual interests and is an excellent scholar.

Sophia had lately been pondering the advantage of another trial of the sacraments. She was delighted to hear of the new substance, MDMA, and Jean and I agreed to travel to their home to join them in an exploration.

I arrived the sickest I had been in over a year. I had a miserable case of the flu -- dizziness, aching bones, extreme tiredness, deep chest cough, and congestion. I wondered how I could proceed with an experience. Yet we had traveled a great distance, and felt that introducing Sophia and Gregory to MDMA was such a promising opportunity that I could not refuse.

It was gratifying to see Sophia again and meet Gregory. We spent an evening visiting, and set the following day for our journey.

We start by taking 120 m.g. each of MDMA on an empty stomach. In twenty-seven minutes my head is clearing up miraculously. The congestion is disappearing, my sinuses open and I breathe clearly. After another twenty minutes, all the other bodily symptoms of my illness disappear and don't return all day!

The experience comes on strongly. We have learned that this intensity occurs with exceptionally good companions. We all move into an outstanding, euphoric state. We are enormously gratified to be with each other. We feel light, our voices are melodic, the skin smoothes and drops away the years, there is an outstanding feeling of grace. We quietly enjoy easy communication. It is snowing outside, and we feel very cozy together. I feel a deep sense of Presence. Sophia reports that the simplest blade of grass is as important as the huge, distant mountain. Everything is all the same.

Gregory feels some self-doubt. He hadn't realized how invested he had become in a serious project he is undertaking and how it pushes him.

We all take a 40 m.g. supplement. We proceed blissfully. It goes so well that at the sign of wearing off, Sophia and Gregory ask for another supplement. I am leery, as past experience has shown the uncomfortable effects of the second supplement outweigh any benefits. But we feel so very good that we decide to do it anyway. The experience continues delightfully and we notice no ill effects. In fact, it is the richest, smoothest descent I have yet had from MDMA. Jean and I keenly feel the goodness of our host and hostess. [Because of the excellent result here, in a later investigation we once more tried a second supplement of MDMA. This second time it only proved our original premise, that the second supplement is not worthwhile except in very optimum circumstances.]

In the afternoon, Sophia reports that she has been spending the time making wider and wider circles, each time including more within the circle. Pain is the result of leaving something outside the circle. Gregory was aware of what she was doing. She faced all of her fears, including the death of her husband and her children. She knows that all is well. We are all elated with this experience.

The following day finds us all very mellow. Some of my flu symptoms return, but at a much lower level. It is mostly just tiredness. Gregory has encountered some vexing problems in his work situation, and finds that he handles them with considerably more balance and detachment.

As Sophia drove us to the airport the second day after our journey, I found myself moving into a new state of celestial grace I had never before experienced. In English we do not have an adequate vocabulary to deal with higher states of awareness, nor the experience to identify them. I can only report that this level seemed somehow more pristine, more sacred, so much further beyond my usual ways of perceiving and feeling as to represent an entirely different level of celestial existence. I was speechless; I could only hold still and be absorbed in this magnificent occurrence. I somehow knew that this enraptured state I had entered was related to the exceptional goodness of Sophia.

Jean and I were continually seeking suitable research subjects to extend our knowledge of the chemicals we were researching. Mostly we were looking for interested, stable individuals whom we thought could well handle and enjoy the experience. So I had to consider carefully when we were contacted by a college teacher who had been referred by a knowledgeable friend.

The biographical data I had requested revealed a scattered, disorganized person with serious family problems. This data, and the fact that his spouse did not wish to accompany him, were strong grounds for rejection. But he was very persistent. I was intrigued by our friend's assessment that we could be of help, even though years of conventional therapy had failed. I also wanted to extend our experience into this area. So we accepted.

Rudolpho, Jean and I each take 120 m.g. of MDMA. The experience develops slowly, like a balloon lifting a heavy weight. As the experience develops, Rudolpho shows us a photo album. It contains not only pictures of his family, but a number of girl friends he has slept with. In a short time he is extremely nauseous, and barely makes it to the john in time to vomit. His face is quite gray. He reports that he feels relieved from vomiting.

I ask him what the vomiting is about. He doesn't like his behavior, and doesn't want the double standard in his marriage. He feels he knows what it is like to be his son, from whom he is estranged and who has some serious emotional problems.

Rudolpho now feels quite relieved, and enjoys sitting in the sun. At supplement time, I suggest a larger supplement for him, as I feel he has much to deal with. He declines, and reluctantly accepts the normal 40 m.g. supplement. He is now feeling so good that he sees no need to take a supplement. He agrees only after I tell him the effects will soon wear off without a supplement, and that the supplement will simply continue the state he is in now, not intensify it.

Rudolfo refuses to look at his central problem, but delights in being the center of attention and running on and on verbally. In many years of Freudian psychoanalysis, he has learned to free associate. He does this for the next few hours, rambling freely over feelings, thoughts, and perceptions, totally uninterested in our responses or remarks. We listen for an hour, then remind him that the active part of the session will soon be over, and ask if he would like to address his problems. He can hold his attention on them for only a few seconds before he wanders away. After several unsuccessful attempts to redirect his focus, I realize that he is not going to attend his real issues, and we resign ourselves to listening. I am awed at the depth of his self-centeredness. Otherwise, we are all feeling quite good.

I am very surprised later in the day when the heavy burden I feel Rudolfo is carrying lifts and is replaced by a very satisfying euphoria. At this point Rudolfo feels normal and extremely clear-headed. He asks my evaluation of his experience. Earlier I had not wished to interfere with the spontaneous unfolding of his experience. Now I begin to share my perceptions of how he has utilized the experience. He seems open and understanding, so I feel he may wish to consider what I see are two of his major problems. However, he has little ability to stay focused on an issue. I spend the rest of the time reflecting back his behavior in the moment so he can learn to catch himself at what he is doing to disrupt relationships. Jean and I share our feelings and perceptions. These center on his inability to listen, his total selfabsorption to the point of ignoring others and opportunities to learn, and the importance of acknowledging and appreciating others. We hope some of it will seep through. The discussion continues through the next day.

We have no data as to the overall impact of this experience, and whether Rudolfo was able to improve the dynamics of his family relationships. He left us much happier, content, and with apparently more understanding. Jean and I learned a great deal about how distorted mental states can become, the power of investment in arbitrary belief systems, and how diffi cult it is to make inroads into them. Working with Rudolpho considerably improved the rela tionship between Jean and me. Seeing how bad things can get, she could acknowledge how much I had improved in overcoming some of the symptoms Rudolfo exhibited!

Ted is a bright young man, 31 years old. On meeting, we soon found that we shared a great interest in psychedelics. Ted had used them frequently and quite constructively. As a result of what he learned in experiences, he decided on a career in the field of healing. He first went back to finish college, and is now working on an advanced degree which will aid him toward his goal. He plans to learn as much as possible through conventional study, and then use psychedelics to expand the frontiers of his knowledge. I admire the course he has chosen, as I feel that this is the ideal way for young people who experiment with psychedelics to utilize these substances.

We all take 120 m.g. of MDMA. Ted responds very quickly; Jean and I follow somewhat later. It is an excellent takeoff. The experience grows beautifully, as Ted is an excellent person to be with.

We are developing a great deal of energy, more than I have previously experienced with MDMA. Drawing on his knowledge of Hatha Yoga, Ted advises us to sit up straight, which focuses the energy. Ted uses his yoga exercises to direct the energy into an uplifting experence. After we all take a 40 m.g. supplement, Ted shows us how to breathe in, stretch and become very open to let the energy in, then deplete the breath. Following this procedure we get very energized.

Ted then advises us to find a place in the body that feels good, and focus on increasing the good feeling. I find this very effective in directing the experience positively. I discover a choice point between letting the experience follow old normal patterns which get me into heavy feelings versus directing attention outward into new, exciting possibilities. I find this process of letting the body express good feelings and then amplifying them a very effective way to dissipate the bogged down feelings I often encounter, and which I am experiencing a bit here. This procedure of expanding the good feeling produces an ecstatic state.

Later I make the surprising discovery that as long as I am directing my attention and working on something, the bliss inside continues to grow. Previously I had always thought that it was flowing love that dissipated interior discomfort and created bliss; now it seems to be blissful regardless of what I focus on, as long as it is worthwhile.

We are all surprised by how this focusing activity has prolonged the experience and kept us in an advantageous space. That evening I feel the strongest and most secure yet on MDMA. Ted has been an excellent teacher.

I am putting these reports together several years after this experience took place. I must confess that I have not remembered this technique well enough to apply it in later experiences.

In the main, I have opted to directly confront my feelings and resolve them. This leaves me free, energized, and more knowledgeable. As I review this experience, it is clear that the procedures recommended by Ted are worth further exploration.

Sarah and John are a couple that I had known many years previously. They returned into our life seeking a psychedelic experience. I felt that MDMA, which we were just beginning to research, would be appropriate for them.

John is a fascinating person. He is deeply steeped in Eastern religions. But he lives a great deal in imagination, and is quite impervious to input from others. Sarah is a dedicated wife as dictated by her European culture, but has long since given up trying to receive cooperation or support from John. Her anger has grown to the extent that she hardly listens to anything he says. She is usually quiet and withdrawn, suffering in silence.

We all take 120 m.g. of MDMA. In 45 minutes, Sarah becomes animated and begins to talk a lot. She also begins listening carefully to John. It isn't always easy to listen to him, as his explanations are circuitous and drawn out; it requires a lot of patience. Sarah grows in strength and begins to express many of her concerns.

After a 40 m.g. supplement, we are in a good space, talking freely and easily. We spend the entire day simply talking and relating. Sarah and John develop a new appreciation of each other. Sarah notices something she has never experienced before. She had always thought that John rambled on and on repetitiously without making any sense. Now as she listens carefully, she is fascinated by his speech. She notices an aliveness, a charm, and an insightfulness that had escaped her. Her concentration makes it easier for her to understand what he is getting at, and she develops a true appreciation for a lot of the things he is discussing.

As the day goes on, it becomes quite clear that John's defenses are iron-clad, and that he has no desire to change. I work hard to get him to be more appreciative of Sarah and more cooperative. I reach a touchy boundary. John has had a great deal of rejection in his life; if I push too hard it could alienate him and he will withdraw. Yet it is to John's advantage to appreciate Sarah and give her space, so he can get some support back from her. John does notice that Sarah is changing, and fetches a mirror so that she can see it. I encourage him as much as I dare to take responsibility for Sarah's well-being.

An excellent bond forms among us all. They have never been in such a salutary space, and are deeply appreciative of Jean and me. We spend the next day talking and reviewing. John and Sarah become very close and develop a good understanding between them. They feel better than they have in a long time, and are very grateful.

This experience opened the door for them to continue work on their relationship with other helpers and to support each other. They have both grown considerably over the following few years.

Wilbur and Donna are both psychologists in their forties. They are of remarkably different temperaments. Wilbur is an extremely soft-spoken, highly sensitive, thoughtful person who keeps very much to himself. However, he doesn't hesitate to speak very forthrightly whenever he is moved, and is totally undaunted by whatever another person might think, regardless or in spite of their recognized stature.

Donna, on the other hand, is a total love. She is extremely open, outgoing, and a deeply caring person. They make a marvelous couple. They are both extremely bright and their attributes form an exquisite balance. With a common client they can play good guy - bad guy, Wilbur providing almost scathingly accurate, penetrating observations of a person's difficulties, while Donna provides the caring, nurturing support to help the client adjust to such realities.

In their youth they experimented with substances, but have not used them for a number of years. They are intrigued by the descriptions of MDMA, which hold forth promise of a valuable experience without the discomfort of encountering painful, suppressed material which had spoiled previous experiences. They decide to give it a try.

Jean takes 110 m.g. of MDMA, the rest of us take 120 m.g. each. We are well into the experience in forty minutes, experiencing much euphoria, enthusiasm, youthful appearance, soft skin, easy communication, and enhanced beauty of perception. Wilbur is called to an inner exploration. He recalls an experience just before their marriage when an internal artery ruptured. Nevertheless he was in a state of bliss. He now feels this same bliss for the first time since that event. Also, Wilbur is pleased that a severe pain he has been experiencing in his arm is subsiding. He continues to search inside while the rest of us converse and listen to music.

After a 40 m.g. supplement, we continue with great enjoyment, all being grateful for this very special time together. Wilbur reports that it is easy to look at his difficult areas and resolve them. He says, "you can look into the heart of anything." Donna also finds that the experience is valuable for uncovering things. She very much likes the centeredness and ability to focus, which is quite different from her mind-racing earlier experiences.

I am very much aware of Wilbur's exceptionally fine mind and his enormous sensitivity. I tell him that he has immense potential.

Two weeks later they repeated the experience on their own. It deeply cemented their relationship and understanding and acceptance of each other. Wilbur is very pleased with his new level of understanding, and Donna has made a quantum leap increase in aliveness. While I have always appreciated her as an extremely nurturing person, I find an enhanced physical interest in her as a female.

They both felt that they had learned so much that it was unnecessary to repeat the experience.

Denise and Blake are a couple we met when they visited Dr. Wolff. We shared many common values, and they were interested in our research. They had recently run into a very difficult situation in their marriage relationship, when one of them temporarily explored an alternate relationship. Although they reconciled, the warmth between them seems permanently affected. Hearing about the effectiveness of MDMA in relationships, they asked for a session.

Jean takes 110 m.g. of MDMA, Denise, Blake and I take 120 m.g. each. The experience quickly grows in intensity, which is typical with good people. Blake soon gets into a very good space. Within 30 minutes he is looking out of the window and seeing the mountains in great clarity, beauty, and depth. He is surprised at the depth because he sees well in only one eye. Then everything melts into one, and he experiences enormous peace and harmony. It is the experience of transcendence and oneness which he has actively sought, yet never before experienced. He wishes to dwell in this, but feels he should give his attention to Denise.

Denise at first feels somewhat unsettled by the onrush of energy. Then she is amazed to find herself experiencing incredible love for Blake. They fall into each other's arms with overwhelming love and deep bonding.

The remainder of the day they find themselves as youngsters in fresh young love, and explore the various dimensions of courtship. They are enthralled with each other and deeply connected. After a while their friends come into consciousness and are invited into their circle of love. Later Blake experiences Jesus, Buddha, and other dignitaries joining them and supporting them.

This experience brought Denise and Blake together in closeness as they had never thought possible. Their past difficulties were dissolved, and they continued their relationship in their new bond of love. They were enormously grateful for this experience. It made such an impact they have never felt it necessary to have another.

The combination of MDMA followed by LSD proved an extremely effective one. Here is an outstanding experience, one of the subject's very best:

Ernesto is a young medical student doing intern work at a nearby hospital. He had proven himself to be a very able user of the sacraments, and we have invited him and his wife Reina to join us for this research trial on a combination which is showing promise.

We all take 120 m.g. of MDMA on an empty stomach. Our closeness has grown through several shared experiences, and now we are all more intoxicated than ever. We are glowing, experiencing good feelings, animation, melodic voices, and expressive, youthful countenances. We are very insightful as we discuss people that we know.

At an hour and thirty-four minutes later, we each take 50 micrograms of LSD. We begin to quiet down in 20 minutes and put on music. Jean and Reina continue in the same beautiful state they were experiencing with MDMA.

Ernesto and I both begin to slide as the LSD comes on. I feel the marvelous glow of centeredness and euphoria slipping away, a "thinning out." It doesn't last long with Ernesto. The thinning stops, and his body becomes more light and expanded. His vision is clear, more profound, and with greater detail.

This is the outstanding experience of Ernesto's life. At the height of his experience he finds within himself a glowing ball of sheer power and love radiating with a white light. This is the source of life. He sees the same glowing ball in others.

Ernesto and Reina go off by themselves. They return later, and Ernesto appears an entirely new person. They had come together to seal their union, and after all the difficulties they had recently been through, it mobilized energy and shot Ernesto into a new space. He is totally aware, amazingly insightful and enormously confident. He is experiencing outstanding joy.

We have a wonderful interchange of discussion. At one point we mention meeting a girl who had taken the Transcendental Meditation course on levitation, and claimed that her hop ping around the room was levitation. Ernesto is very exasperated that people should deceive themselves with such ideas when they have enormous power to develop themselves, improve their relationships, and be creative.

He asks Jean for a cup of tea, and she immediately rises to get it. "See," Ernesto says, "I levitated Jean. There are lots of things we can levitate."

Ernesto is aware of the enormous power we have within us, and that all we have to do is apply it correctly. Inspired by his positive approach, I look out the window and watch the light over the mountains which is the trail of the setting sun. This light grows into an enormous power, and I too see the vastness of the central power of the universe, and how it flows out in love. All traces of negative feelings within me evaporate and the rest of the day is blissful.

I put on for Ernesto the selection from Handel's Messiah, A Son is Born. It strikes him with enormous impact, as well as the rest of us.

Ernesto had previously had strong misgivings about leaving Mexico and his family. He is now able to truly appreciate the United States and what it means to have a nation devoted to the freedom of the individual. The impact of our nation's values affects the whole world. I play a Fred Waring rendition of Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor. The real meaning of our nation, opening the golden gates to the underprivileged of the world and offering them fresh opportunity, strikes us dramatically. We are all overwhelmed with emotion. What a loss it is to lose sight of our high principles by getting involved in the piddly affairs of everyday life.

Ernesto had an interesting experience after returning to the hospital. He reported that work flowed beautifully and insightfully, and saw many ways in which the inner power can be expressed in life.

At one point, he got a feeling he should go to the Emergency Room. There a doctor and two nurses were trying to insert an IV into an elderly diabetic. The patient was so dehydrated that they could not find a vein, and had punctured her in a great many places without success. Ernesto suggested to one of the nurses that she insert the needle where two veins came together, so she could strike the fork. The nurse laughed, knowing Ernesto as a fresh, inexperienced intern, while she had inserted needles thousands of times. The doctor asked Ernesto to try. He inserted the needle successfully on the first try. The patient was enormously grateful. Ernesto felt that he had been called to the Emergency Room to help her.

Jean found this combination an outstanding experience. Under the impact of the LSD, she was entirely taken over by the music. She heard Dvorak's New World Symphony as though she had never heard it before. Each note danced inside and outside of her, and she became the notes.

At the height of the MDMA experience Reina felt herself as being all things. With the action of the LSD she began to bring everything back inside herself, finding a strong, inner core forming like a staunch rod. Her thoughts became profound, and she could see more clearly as she focused on her work and her relationships.

For me, I realized how very important it is to focus my thinking and attention, which directs my power. Then things flow readily and easily. I saw that a clear way out of my pain is to focus my energy into meaningful activities.

By usual standards, the amount of LSD which we imbibed was quite small. Yet the impact on all of us was extraordinary. For Ernesto, it was a rare +4 experience (see rating scale in Appendix II), a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. . . . . . . .

These are only a few of the many rewarding experiences we had with MDMA. I wish to once more call attention to the fact that most of these experiences were unstructured.

Preparation, intentional focusing, and repeated trials can considerably improve results. Recent information on MDMA is presented by Nicholas Saunders in his book E for Ecstasy.(11) Saunders has gathered all of the information he could find on MDMA. His book includes reviews of previously published material, as well as recent developments. Included in the latter are the rave scene in England, psychotherapeutic work in Switzerland, and research projects in Britain.

As for our own work, we believe that almost any one of the trials we conducted would convince an objective observer that MDMA is a substance which holds enormous promise for improving the quality of life, and richly deserves careful investigation. Becoming familiar with the full range of possibilities offered by this exceptional compound would make it hard to deny that it is one of life's remarkable graces.