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The Interim Years In time, I put the closing of the Foundation behind me and accommodated to my new circumstances. The difficulties of adjusting were eased by continuing my own private investigations into the use of that exceptional mind-opening substance, LSD. After a time I began to notice a pattern in my experiences. The first few hours were very uncomfortable. Everything that was wrong with me was readily apparent. I felt worthless, and that everything I was doing was wrong. The feelings were miserable. I would work through these feelings and begin to feel better. Then my mind would clear up and I would begin to put things in perspective. The miserable feelings would depart and I would be filled with love. My consciousness would then rise to clearer perception, and I would begin to think in larger frames of reference. At this level I not only had a clear view of my personal functioning and relationships, but I could also perceive the evolution and dynamics of society. I could recognize social problems and their solutions. Most clear was the importance of having an intimate relationship with the Supreme Teacher. At the end of the experience I would feel euphoric and revitalized, and feel this way for one to two weeks. Then I would begin to feel bogged down again and wish to have another experience to achieve clarity. There was always some learning and improvement, and life steadily got better. I was also considerably expanding my understanding of human dynamics, the nature of the psyche, and the spiritual levels of reality. Despite my on-going relapses into negative states, the grip of such feelings lessened and my overall state of being improved. I was delighted that Jean, whom I married in 1970, loved to share psychedelic experiences. Jean accepted life more gracefully than I, and consequently was not as interested as I was to discover new modes of functioning. Our relationship was the central element of most of our explorations and focus on growth. The history of this relationship is detailed in Chapter 14, Story of a Marriage. I noticed that in attending retreats or conferences with other people engaged in the spiritual search, the others were often struggling with issues that had cleared up for Jean and me through psychedelic exploration. Also, we had ceased to fuss about the distractions and irritations in life and relationships which still preoccupied many of the others. But it took a long time for me to eradicate the powerful negative feelings that often erupted. I found it necessary to go deeply into myself to learn the real source of my ongoing discomfort, and how to resolve it. It is only in recent times that I feel that what I have learned has been integrated into real wisdom, with accompanying ongoing well-being. Change is very difficult, and it took me a long time to realize that in many respects I was not changing, but simply relying on further experiences for well-being. But despite my stubbornness and unwillingness to change, insights did impress themselves upon me, and some change came about. The year 1978 brought on a new era. An old friend looked me up. He wondered how my investigations were proceeding. When I replied that the law had terminated such work, he was surprised (the Controlled Substances Act of 1970 made all of the major psychedelics illegal to possess). He told me that there was a great number of new substances that were not scheduled (not placed in Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act, the schedule that carries the most severe restrictions and penalties). This opened a new door for which I was immensely grateful. For the next several years, my wife and I became familiar with a number of new compounds. With the most promising ones, we extended our investigations to a number of other people to learn more completely the nature of these substances, compare them with the older, scheduled ones, and determine if they were generally useful without hindering side-effects. It was during these endeavors that I had another life-changing, breakthrough experience. This is the one that inspired the process of recording my adventures, referred to at the beginning of Chapter 1. It was a most significant personal experience that profoundly affected my conduct of this research and substantially improved my rate of growth:
This was my first experience of a very powerful substance, DOET, and was taken in a
group. I started with a moderate dose of 2 m.g., but before long I felt that the amount of
repressed psychic material that needed processing would require a greater dose, so I took an
additional 2 m.g. at the two hour point.
It was a strange day. I alternated between entering sublime spaces, and regressing into hostile, infantile states. My mood grew blacker as the day progressed. This substance was extremely long acting. By bedtime I was very tired but still very hyper and agitated. It was a relief to crawl into bed, snuggle up to Jean, and release to the experience. I turned my attention inside and surrendered to the experience. Relief came promptly with marvelous visuals -- beautiful plastic materials and liquids, exquisite blues and other intense colors. It soon came to me that the most important thing was to TRUST. I turned over my trust to whatever wished to happen. I would find myself approaching an abyss that seemed terribly frightening. Yet when I gave my trust to the process, an important, meaningful experience developed, dissipating the discomfort and resulting in a growing feeling of aliveness. It soon became apparent that there was a magnificent, beneficent force behind this whole process, and the best thing I could possibly do was turn myself over completely to this wonderful energy. As I did, it led to noteworthy experiences and realizations. I felt I was surrendering myself to Myself, the central, all-wise, all-knowing teacher, totally concerned with my well-being. As tension built up, which occurred after each release, it would be dissipated with the understanding of what caused it and how to be free of it. It became clear that my need to be right and my fear of making mistakes were severe blocks to proper functioning. As I relinquished these fixations, I became more relaxed. As the process continued, inappropriate behavior patterns came into view, and I could drop them like deleting files on a computer. I would immediately feel increased energy, aliveness, and well-being. I dropped defensiveness; I realized that changes didn't happen immediately but took time. It's all right to be uncomfortable -- just trust what is. A great deal of my difficulty stemmed from straining to make things different than they are. I simply need to trust and stop using so much energy. What is truly appropriate can be found by looking deeply within myself. For several years I had been suffering from prostatitis, which made urinating difficult and irritating. Thinking about my prostate problem, I felt the enormous fear of undergoing surgery. I saw this was linked to the injury and injustice I had felt from adenoids and other operations in my early childhood. If surgery was necessary, I could simply trust my way through it. I was able to see that the medical people in my childhood were doing their best to help me and that I could trust them. A marvelous realization came over me. All normal body functions feel good. For several years it has been uncomfortable to urinate, a procedure which should feel quite good and bring a wonderful sense of relief. It seemed that my prostate and urinary problem stemmed from the way that I was distorting life. I was dying, withdrawing from life. I see that I must vote for life -- let the old structures drop away and focus on and make way for the new. This way new life and new energy can manifest. Just realizing this seemed to wipe away huge sets of programs in my being. This brought a gratifying sense of renewal and a discerning appreciation of my body and its functions. As I confronted each uncomfortable feeling and turned it over to Trust, I became more free and ecstatic. I realized that the Self who is my Teacher is the only reality that is important. The intimacy and communication with my inner Self that I had achieved this evening was the most important thing in life. The investment I have long carried to "save the world" was an escape from doing what I needed to realize myself. The world doesn't need saving; anyone who wishes to be saved need only turn to the Source for full guidance. Everything is in the best of all possible hands. Becoming united with the deep Self is by far the most important and wonderful thing anyone can do. I reveled in my feeling of love for Jean, and knew that our life will be better than ever. I was unable to sleep at all that night, but worked the entire time. What I was experiencing was so rejuvenating that I felt rested. By morning I felt an enormous wholeness and peace within me. It was as though the struggle of a whole lifetime had come to a marvelous, fabulous fruition. I was astounded at the quantum leap in understanding, at the amazing amount of wisdom that came to me, and the enormous speed at which it came. I felt that at last I was beginning to use these substances properly. Employing trust and surrendering to the Inner Teacher, there is no end to the learning that can be accomplished. When I arose in the morning, I had never felt so whole, so centered, and so confident in my entire life. I was egoless, ready to deal with each moment, whatever it demanded. That day we drove to Death Valley and back with two close friends. I drove the entire distance. Our trip was a continuation of my experience. Using the same approach of surrendering to Trust, I continued my experience and the surrounding beauty rose to incredible heights. At the peak of the experience I found that I could think in an entirely new way. I entered a state that I would call gnosis, where everything that I looked at seemed utter truth, directly from the Source. As I explored realization at this level, the feeling of union with gnosis became more and more powerful, until I was literally merged in the wonder of the central light. It confirmed all of life, and gave complete assurance that absolutely everything is being taken care of perfectly. At this level, everything is perfect -- absolutely clean and pure. No dross can be carried into this area. In this light, one is perfectly cleansed. I need only be open for instructions of what is best to do and the knowledge will be forthcoming. Everyone is part of this wonderful whole, pursuing their own course in life as they wish. Each person can partake of the whole to the extent that he or she wishes. Again, I need not be concerned about the progress of others, other than to be helpful when requested, as each is free to explore his or her own diversity of experience. They move according to their own choice. Despite having had no sleep the night before, I arrived home full of energy. Others were ready to relieve me, but anytime I felt tired, I simply released to experience and became revitalized. I was overwhelmed by the impact of this experience. It takes an enormous stretching of the mind to fully appreciate the wonders and grace I had received. I had been freed of much of the unnecessary baggage I had been carrying, I had been shown how to become free, I had been privileged to enter that extraordinary Clear Light that must be the ultimate experience for man. But most of all, I had been thoroughly shown the utter reality of the Source that underlies creation, and that the most important thing one can do with one's life is place one's implicit trust in this Source. Certainly I had the key to successfully living the remainder of my life. So it was with great disappointment that I discovered in the weeks that followed that this experience faded into memory like those before. The outstanding feeling of well-being, the ability to rapidly clear whatever might be bothering me, faded away. Many of my old habits returned, including the ability to sink into tiredness and depression. The depression was accentuated by the realization that finding such a significant answer was not the total answer. Yet something was different. As the weeks rolled by, I found that I discovered something priceless. There was something to trust, and I began to learn how to surrender to it from the ordinary state of consciousness. The knowledge I had found had deeply penetrated my being. It was available to be used. I needed to learn how to train my ordinary being to recognize and utilize the wisdom. I found myself dealing more effectively with my problems and bringing about changes in my life. The knowledge was seeping through into my life, but required my conscious cooperation! The ultimate result of this outstanding experience was a significant leap forward in all of my subsequent exploration with the sacraments, as well as in my meditation practice. All of my experiences became more meaningful, with a steady progression of each being better than the last. I was learning to move into new territory, find greater joy and wisdom in the experiences, and more effectively make changes. Research with new compounds continued until the passage of the Controlled Substance Analogue Enforcement Act of 1986, which effectively makes every psychoactive drug illegal before it is even invented. Fear of the unconscious is so deeply set in our current society that we have now made every substance illegal which has any promise of revealing unconscious material. Such fear includes resisting knowledge of the depth and power of the human mind, as well as spiritual realities. One cannot help but ponder the strange dichotomy that the nation based on establishing individual freedom has now outlawed every substance which might aid in the exploration of that last and most important frontier, the human mind. Alexander Shulgin, world-renowned chemist in the field of psychoactive drugs, is quoted in a recent periodical: "Our generation is the first ever to have made the search for self-awareness a crime." The most penetrating, insightful, informed, and thoroughly researched discussion of our current drug laws of which I am aware is presented by Jonathan Ott in the introductory chapter to his book Pharmacotheon entitled Proemium. Our irrational and destructive drug laws are scholarly reviewed from the perspectives of science, practical and legal considerations, morality, economics, and coping with ecstasy and euphoria. The widespread fear of the unconscious contents of our minds will be overcome as people learn the value of confronting and regaining the power and wisdom locked up in repressed feelings and dynamics. With the removal of the barriers of repressed material, the enormous range of innate human capacities can be discovered and developed. Characteristics such as intuition, creativity, freedom of thought, and heightened perception can be developed. Inspiration, peace, and the capacity to love can be drawn from the discovery of the transcendental levels of consciousness. Psychedelics are a powerful tool which, when skillfully applied by motivated seekers, can significantly help accomplish all of the above. Much of the research work that I and other investigators have done with psychedelic compounds over the last three decades confirms the potential of achieving the above results. I shall devote the remainder of this volume to reporting some of the interesting information that has been revealed in our studies. Most of the reports of experiences in this book are my own. Consequently they are a reflection of my own dynamics. Compared to other explorers whom I know, I have spent much more time exploring negative feelings. I am not sure of all the reasons -- whether it's unresolved, deep layers of conditioning, an unusual sensitivity whereby I am innately aware of other people's pain, the perfectionism of my aspirations, or my pig-headed stubbornness to change. The fact remains that I have learned much about dealing with shadow material. In the end, despite the discomfort, this has been extremely rewarding, and well worth any pain involved. I have followed the Buddhist principle of dealing with adversity and turning it into opportunity for spiritual growth. The biggest problem I encountered was my inability to maintain the exalted states I was privileged to experience. This became most evident as I reviewed the records for this writing. Putting these experiences in perspective by writing about them has helped a great deal in recognizing the need and deepening the intention to make changes. Some additional explanation may be helpful in perusing the reports presented. I refer frequently throughout my reports to feelings which I call "crud," "psychic junk," or "loading." The term "negative karma" is the Eastern designation for such feelings. See Chapter 3, Note 8, for an explanation of karma. Such feelings are depressing, uncomfortable, even painful. They feel to me like a heavy weight the body is carrying. They build what feels like a tangible wall between me and the world around me. This wall sometimes gets thick enough to limit the details I can see and feel of my surroundings. These miserable feelings demand attention and often draw me into introspection to seek resolution. Such withdrawal further separates me from others and my surroundings. There are two major sources, I believe, for the continued build-up of these uncomfortable feelings. The first is the consequence of everyday activities, and results primarily from not behaving authentically. In my case, where it has meant a great deal to have approval, I have repressed behavior which I think may not be accepted (repressing is an unconscious process, to be distinguished from consciously deciding to behave in a certain manner). It is most often anger and resentment that I repress, not wishing to show it. This results in further repressed anger, as there is a part of me that hates myself for not being honest. This adds to the load. There are other things that I repress in order to not affect the image I wish to present to others. A factor which very much determines how much we repress is our aspirations. In my case, I wish to become as free as possible, and to continue my growth until I achieve complete liberation (see Appendix IV for a definition of this state). As awareness grows, there is heightened joy and heightened appreciation of all aspects of life. But the greater awareness also permits us to observe with greater clarity our own difficulties and those of others. This heightened awareness can be a source of dissatisfaction. So it behooves us to be quite clear on how far and how fast we wish to develop. Greater clarity means taking on more responsibility, and we must be certain that this is what we wish to do. Change is difficult, and once we know that we should, avoiding it is painful. This is another reason that the use of psychedelic substances should be carefully evaluated, and why they should be taken with clear intention. Many areas were difficult for me to change, particularly in my marriage relationship. Each experience has been a clear reminder of the necessity to take responsibility and work at producing the required changes if I wish to retain the exalted states. The unresolved difficulties in my marriage have been a key element in the return of miserable feelings. These are dealt with specifically in Chapter 14, The Story of a Marriage. The second cause of uncomfortable feelings is the surfacing of feelings that have been repressed from early life experience. I see these as layers and layers of unconscious conditioning, which go deeply to the very core of the Self. In my experience, the deeper we go, the more solid the layers. The very bottom or most fundamental layers are extremely solid and heavily defended. These comprise the basic structure of our personality. I doubt if many people attempt to reach and understand these layers, accepting them as the given part of themselves. Only if one aspires to true liberation as experienced and espoused by the Buddha, or from the Western viewpoint, mystical union with God (again, see Appendix IV for further clarification), will these layers be confronted and resolved. In my own case, I was aware of penetrating more deeply into the root core of my conditioning with ongoing experiences. I ultimately found a deep, bitter, hostile part of myself. It was determined to thwart every gain in enjoyment. This bitter part of me is the source of thanatos, the drive for death. I ultimately had to make this hostile core my friend, and elicit its aid to achieve eros, the drive for life. It is questionable if mainstream society understands or appreciates the extent of these layers of conditioning. I have given a description of them in Appendix IV, The Nature of the Self. I hope this Appendix will also help in understanding some of the experiences that are described in subsequent chapters. To further appreciate the depth and toughness of these layers of conditioning, the following metaphor may permit a glimpse of the extent and power of them: Assume the following characteristics of a completely liberated being: He/she perceives the surrounding world lit up with incredible light and beauty. Everything is charged with significance, and alive with energy. There is no awareness of any boundary to the self; the sense of self extends to encompass all that one can envision. The feeling tone is utter bliss, peace, and the most fulfilling contentment. This is the state of the natural self. Now check your own feelings and perceptions. The difference between what you perceive and feel and the above description is the result of your true, inner self being surrounded by layers of conditioning. It is only by dissolving these layers that you can begin to experience the states described above for a liberated being. Another example: In my experience, God is utterly real. When I am able to look Him in the face, the experience is as described by Meister Ekhart (see Appendix IV, Note 2). The light is so brilliant and the beauty so overwhelming that it is almost impossible to behold. Yet many are convinced that God does not exist at all, as they experience not a whit of evidence for His presence. It is testimony to the power of our minds that this overwhelming energy, light, and beauty can be completely nullified to the extent that we claim it does not exist. Yet this same power can be reversed, permitting us to perceive that we live in the Garden of Eden. The information that follows in succeeding chapters has been selected to illustrate the enormous range and variety of experiences available from an informed use of psychedelic substances. Procedures for conducting explorations are described in Appendix III.
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