I met my first wife, Jeanette, when I was 24 years old, during World War II. Two years earlier I had been called to active duty as a reserve officer, but failed to pass the entrance medical examination or the appeal that followed. I then found employment as a civilian engineer in the Navy Department, Bureau of Ships, in Washington, D.C. for the duration of the war.

I had gone to a dance held at the local Jewish Community Center. Among the dancers I spotted an especially attractive brunette who practically took my breath away. Besides being beautiful, she was enormously poised, a trait that greatly appealed to me with my poor self-image. I found out her name, and arranged to call on her.

All went well, and soon we were dating. I knew how badly my parents wanted me to marry a Jewish girl, but I had never met one that appealed to me. Now the thought of marriage was extremely attractive, and it was only a few months until we wed.

When I look back on my first marriage, I can't believe how naive I was. I didn't know myself, I perceived very little of Jeannette's true characteristics, being content to project all kinds of fantasies upon her, and I knew nothing of male-female relationships or their potential. I was totally unprepared for marriage. There should be schools for marriage. Otherwise we are in the hands of that hard and sometimes cruel school that always teaches in the end, life itself.

I had been very anxious to marry, and proceeded compulsively. Starting with our honeymoon, I began to find out that Jeannette had many characteristics quite different than I had at first realized. But like a good Jewish husband, I made the most of it. We reared two children, a daughter, Harriet, and a son, Jerry. I settled down to a conventional life as I pursued a successful career growing up with Ampex Corporation. Ampex grew from nine people, a year after I first joined them, to 3500 employees when I left fifteen years later.

It wasn't until some twenty years later that I had my first inkling of what the possibilities might be between a man and a woman. By this time I was frequently conducting psychedelic sessions. I had the knack of soaking up all the negative feelings that were encountered by the person undergoing the experience, and I carried this around as a terrible burden. In fact, I would spend my life learning how to get free of this dross. Sitting in psychedelic sessions with clients was the hardest work I knew, and it left me continually tired.

One evening I attended a meeting in Los Angeles at the invitation of my good friend, Al Hubbard. The meeting had been arranged by his new friend Dolores, an extremely attractive, bright, sensitive, and personable young lady. She had all of the qualifications we felt were required to supervise a new branch of our Foundation in Southern California. She had gathered together a number of people who were curious about our work. The meeting was interesting, but when it was over, Dolores noticed how tired I was. She sat at one end of a sofa, and asked me to lie down and put my head in her lap. I did, but I was totally unprepared for what happened.

Almost instantly I was overcome by a sense of tranquility, and a wave of euphoria swept over me similar to the marvelous levels achieved in a good psychedelic experience. I lay there full of peace, -- relaxed, content, and fulfilled. This feeling stayed with me through much of the following day.

I was astonished at what happened to me. Then I realized that what I had contacted was Feminine Essence. I had experienced the true nurturing and fulfillment that comes from a female when conditions are right.

What a remarkable discovery! At last I had a glimpse of what true male-female relations could be. No wonder there is so much fuss made about it in the world. I wondered how many men truly realize this state of affairs. I now knew that this is what we all hungered for, were desperate for. It is the lack of it that drives us into all sorts of excesses. Desperately wanting it, but pretending it is not important, we strive for mastery, for status, to be powerful, to control, to fight wars -- anything but admit our crying need for the comfort of this feminine essence.

In one important sacramental experience, I realized how vital it is for our world leaders to have good marriages. For if they are happy and fulfilled as men, they can with objectivity use their best talents to address the problems of their nation. However, if they are unfulfilled, they are pushed to prove themselves in a variety of neurotic ways, with dire consequences to their country and perhaps the world.

At any rate, this was a remarkable discovery for me, and greatly influenced my life from then forward. I naturally went out immediately to prove whether this concept was correct. I sought out the company of several different women (not simultaneously) who promised to exude this cherished elixir. Sure enough, to be in their presence was wonderful and fulfilling.

I could now clearly see one of the truly important conditions to be fulfilled for a happy life. Unfortunately, this condition was not being met in my first marriage, and I never obtained enough wisdom to bring it about. Our marriage ended in divorce in 1968.

I met my current wife, Jean, in the spring of 1970. At the time, I was working as a consultant for a firm just getting established in business. This in itself was an interesting experience. The firm was run by two Christian Scientists, which greatly satisfied me as meeting the Buddhists' principle of Right Livelihood. They seemed to be wise, spiritually-oriented persons of high principle. However, this turned out to be a bitter distortion of the truth.

The president was a very clever, smooth projection of a wise, compassionate, competent business person. His very soft, low-key approach lured many investors into the company. And he was truly dedicated to God. The only trouble was that he perceived God to be himself, which totally excused all the unjust and immoral actions that he took. This led to some very interesting dilemmas within the company.

For example, the sales-training course our company was marketing to veterans was required to be an accepted part of the curriculum of an accredited college. This made it possible for the veteran to pay for the course out of Veterans Administration benefits. Our president chose a school where he had close personal contacts and which would cooperate with him. He was convinced that he could get the school approved by the Veteran's Administration.

However, he was unable to do so. Nor would he take steps to find an alternate school, so sure was he that he could get his way. This meant that we produced hundreds of product kits for a market that had no funds to pay for them. This led to the eventual demise of the company.

One day two of my co-workers, Gus and Virginia, asked me if I wished to meet an attractive young lady. Gus and Virginia had recently become husband and wife, and like so many happy couples, wished to share their joy by seeing others take advantage of their blissful state. Jean was described as an attractive, personable lady who looked very good in a bikini. This struck me as a situation worth investigating, so the three of us accepted an invitation to dinner.

As we drew up in front of the apartment house, there waiting at the head of a short flight of steps was a delightful young ten-year-old. Slim, with a very attractive body and face, delightfully feminine, was Dede, Jean's daughter. She gave a shy smile. This made me quite eager to meet her mother.

Jean turned out to be a splendid cook, quite personable, and she danced with me as a perfect partner to the music of Glenn Miller, our favorite band. I enjoyed being with her, and we began to see each other. I could feel the warmth between us, which I had come to realize is so essential, and our relationship grew into courtship, and then into marriage.

Looking back, it was a hasty marriage, as we had known each other only five months. But I was very compulsive, and once setting myself on a desired goal, I had neither the patience nor inclination to let in more data. The bottom line was that we were both lonesome and starved for companionship, and ready to commit ourselves to this relationship.

Once the need for companionship and physical needs are satisfied, other aspects of the relationship come into view. It soon became apparent that there were considerable differences in our interests, values, and aspirations.

I was an extremely serious person, putting top priority on personal growth and expansion of awareness. I was very curious, and had a powerful drive to know and understand. My accomplishment in these directions was limited only by my cowardice, which was quite appreciable. I moved in a circle of friends who shared my growth aspirations, and we spent much time examining our personal dynamics and how we could further self-understanding.

Jean had a natural talent for enjoying life, and simply accepting the flow of life. She deemed it unnecessary to analyze. Nor was she very concerned about what made things work. She was bright, but not curious to understand a number of areas. This included politics, logic, and equipment like automobiles, stereos, and VCRs. Probably at the bottom of this was a self-consciousness at not having gone further in college, and a resistance to revealing her ignorance. She covered this feeling by deciding such things were not high priority.

This of course negated many of the things I believed in, and made it difficult for her to appreciate my native gifts or accomplishments. I acutely felt this lack of acknowledgment, and in turn keenly resented her for her lack of support. On the other hand, she strongly felt my judgmentalness and criticism. She constantly felt either put down or left out of my considerations. We were continually at odds with each other, always immediately taking opposite sides of any issue. Our friends were alternately amused and annoyed at our constant bickering.

There were some ways in which we were very much alike. We were both very independent, and easily absorbed in our chosen activity. I spent as much time as I could find writing, and Jean developed considerable skill in water colors. In time she had her own studio adjacent to our house, and was producing excellent work. She had a particular flair for choosing and flowing colors, which gave an ephemeral, transcendental aura to many of her landscapes. She enjoyed very much exhibiting her work and was delighted when her works were purchased.

We both loved nature, and enjoyed hikes into the mountains. We were delighted with the location of our home, and the proximity to outstanding natural settings. When traveling, we could drive for hours with little conversation, each being absorbed in the beauty of the surrounding countryside. This joy was considerably enhanced as our perceptions were heightened through the use of psychedelics. To this day I consider it one of life's great privileges to drive in an automobile through interesting countryside, and to simply drink in the surroundings while listening to good music.

But despite these respites, our dissatisfactions continued to grow. In fact, our relationship would have been hopeless in other circumstances. We built up enormous resentments toward each other, and lost any sense of affection and mutual support. Our animosity grew to the point where it was very uncomfortable just to be with each other. Sleeping beside her at night, it often felt like a poisonous fluid was flowing from her body to mine. This seemed like a bitter toxin that pervaded my muscles and joints, causing tension, aching, and arthritis. I felt that if I didn't resolve this it would kill me.

There were times when we would tear each other down to the point that we felt it impossible to live together, and threatened to part. Yet when the reality of leaving sunk in, we decided that what we had was better than being alone, and agreed to give it another try. So cowardice was one of the things that held us together.

The other factor that kept us together, and by far the most important, was the use of the sacraments. MDMA (see Chapter 3) was a huge contributor here. In the state of grace proffered by this remarkable substance, we moved into a state of love and beauty that made the whole world a paradise. Jean called it "The Great Eraser." After a number of trials with this substance, I arrived at a list of "the usual symptoms." We would usually begin to feel the effect of the drug in about twenty minutes. Once felt, the intensity increased rapidly. There would be a rush of energy which could be a bit unsettling, except that for us the euphoric components always told us that we were heading in a good direction. At about the hour point, the rush feeling would subside, leaving us in a marvelous state approaching ecstasy. There was utter clarity of perception, with colors brilliant and everything standing out in sharp detail. Many times while starting a fire in the woodstove, I was startled by the crisp, clear, high frequency sounds made by crumpling the paper.

The outdoors was charged with energy and brilliant light, everywhere revealing the Presence of the Celestial Level. Everything seemed remarkably natural and at Peace, and in harmony with all else. As we looked at each other, we seemed fifteen years younger. Wrinkled skin would become smooth and very soft to the touch. An inner beauty shone forth. Within we felt whole, at peace, and pervaded by love. We were in love with everything that we saw. Everyone exuded kindness; problems evaporated. Everything seemed perfect the way it was.

The person who introduced us to this remarkable substance calls it Window. And rightly so, for it is like looking through a window at the world the way it should be, as the Creator intended it to be. Love, Peace, Beauty, Wonder, Harmony, Unity, Wisdom, Mystery. And such utter content. It was a joy to be with your companions. It didn't matter what you did or what you talked about or if you remained quiet, it was so joyful and peaceful to just be together.

While MDMA did not lend itself to introspection as readily as some other substances, it did permit a great deal of clarity and self-understanding if one were motivated to turn his/her attention in this direction. Problems were accurately perceived and their solutions apparent. There was a remarkable tendency when in this state to feel superbly whole and with no need to defend oneself. Differences with others could readily be discussed with remarkable freedom and insight.

The opportunity for defense-free communication and insight was not well utilized by Jean and me. When she was in the state of glory, she chose not to tarnish it by bringing up anything with a flavor of negativity. So we never discussed the problems between us. But it was indelibly impressed upon both of our minds how life could be. So even though a few days after such an experience we began to revert to our old habits, we still had in mind the model of what could be, and we were frequently moved to attempt to bring this model into reality. Without these exposures and the experience of the possible, I have no doubt that our marriage would have fallen apart early.

For quite a few years we were engaged in research with several of the new psychoactive agents. Our objective was to learn how a larger number of subjects would react to substances that we had found valuable in our own experiences. This kept us sharing journeys with others at a frequency of once every one to two weeks. These experiences were most rewarding and enjoyable, and greatly helped screen our private differences. And we continued to be exposed to more of our own inner dynamics and make progress in our personal growth.

I fell into a syndrome that continued for a number of years. Following the experiments with substances, I would be in an exalted state, loving and understanding. But over a period of days I would become exasperated with the dynamics going on between us, so that by the time of the next session, I was fairly loaded with resentment and hostility. I would work this off in the next experiment, often accompanied by much greater understanding.

As I grew to know myself better, I began to see that I was extremely self-centered and very much preoccupied with myself. I considered my work to be of prime value, and tended to devalue Jean's verbal contributions. I could practically feel the wall by which I shut her out. I began to see how painful this was to her. Furthermore, I became aware that it was my experiencing her feelings of pain and resentment which was the cause of much of the bad feelings I felt when around her. It began to dawn on me that in order to feel good, I needed to see to it that she felt good.

Another important discovery came from my feelings of disappointment in Jean. I yearned for more affection, more acknowledgment, more genuine interest. But as I looked at these feelings, I saw that I was producing the same feelings in her! I began to appreciate that it may be a cosmic law that my uncomfortable feelings are not those of the other person, but my very own. And the uncomfortable feelings arise from the way that I am treating the other person. These realizations helped a great deal in improving our relationship.

I worked very hard, it seemed to me, to overcome these difficulties and direct her more love and consideration and acknowledgment. However, I was very disappointed that I was receiving very little response from her. So my yo-yo existence continued for some time. Through sacramental experiences, I would reach stages of forgiveness and love, and all seemed well. Yet within a week or so the "cruddy" feelings would build up again. It seemed extremely difficult to become free. At times I wondered if I weren't squandering my life and well-being by being with the wrong partner. Yet as I addressed this, I realized that I had not achieved a sufficient level of love. I had been shown over and over that we are all One, that every living being is part of me, and that the welfare of any individual is my welfare. And since my goal was to achieve unconditional love and to relinquish my judgments of others, I surely had to do this with the person I was living with!! Again and again when in the highest states of being and I could feel my concerns for the whole world, the realization would come to me that it was senseless to think of helping the world if I couldn't get along with my own wife!

There were two kinds of experiences that helped correct this situation. One of the most impressive experiences I ever had with Jean was during a New Year's celebration when we were sharing a journey with Manual and Selma and three other very close friends. We had achieved a high level of realization. I looked at Jean and she was incredibly beautiful. I saw her face change from one form of femininity to another, each more wonderful that the last, the very essence of beauty, tenderness, nurturing, sensuousness. She laughed and smiled and showed me many delightful faces. I was overcome with love for her, and felt enormous gratitude and good fortune to have her as my wife.

This experience faded in a few days, and as I began in my own development to encounter deep shadow material, involving the release of deep, deep anger, it became very difficult to reexperience this vision. But I knew it was there, and had a goal toward which to work.

More profound and helpful was learning in journeys to tune into her Essence. When this was successful, I was overcome with the joy and delight of participating in her being. Often her nurturing and love would wipe away any discomfort I was experiencing, and a great love would grow between us. We could look together upon the world and experience the vast beauty, meaning, and joy. In this close contact, the joy and fulfillment was always greater than what I could experience alone. I knew that if I could learn to enter this state at will and maintain it, we would have a marvelous marriage.

With the availability of 2C-E (see Chapter 6), my personal growth and learning accelerated considerably. A characteristic of this substance with me was that intense, inner, negative feelings surfaced to consciousness. In fact, there was no escape. So I would simply stay with them until they were resolved. I found these experiences remarkably cleansing, and afterwards felt keenly rejuvenated, more than with any other substance.

As we cut back on our research work, Jean and I began to have more experiences with just the two of us. This required us to confront each other directly, and led to more rapid progress. Also, Jean was opening up a great deal, and was more willing to deal with her own personal dynamics.

For some time it was difficult for me, as much of the day I would so experience my repressed resentments that it was hard to become close. But we always managed to arrive at closeness by day's end. Change is extremely difficult, but it became more and more obvious that I had to alter these feelings of resentment. Fortunately, in time and with repeated experiences, and with the help of meditation practice, I was able to do so.

Here is a typical experience we shared together which contributed greatly to our understanding of each other and brought us closer:

At last we reached the stage where we began to genuinely enjoy each other. Forgiveness became real, and we committed ourselves to treating each other with kindness and concern. The result was a growth in the energy flow between us which became sustaining and energizing.

One of the very intriguing developments is how, despite our differences, the sensual pleasures of lovemaking grew with time. Starting a few years ago, I experienced a reduction in potency. I ascribed this to advancing age, the possible effects of a prostate operation, or even the claim made by some of the adverse effects of a vasectomy as one grows old. All of these concerns evaporated as Jean and I accepted each other and moved into real caring and intimacy.

I remain convinced that the most significant factor involving sensual pleasure is the emotional closeness of the partners. Hostility and resentment are real killers of profound sexual enjoyment.

One incident stands out as an illustration of the dynamics involved in achieving closeness. Jean and I spent a week in a meditation retreat with Alan Wallace, our teacher of Tibetan Buddhist meditation. My meditative experiences improved considerably, as well as my ability to be at peace in the moment.

Jean left shortly after the retreat for a week in the Bay Area visiting her daughter and grandchildren. During her absence I experienced the greatest contentment ever while alone. Nevertheless, I was eagerly looking forward to Jean's return.

I was delighted to see her when she arrived home. I immediately felt the warmth of her presence. But then I was suddenly struck with a sickening sensation. The heavy, miserable feelings I used to feel in her presence that had plagued me for years were back in full force! This was a disastrous blow. I felt I had made enormous progress in dissipating these feelings. Now I must rethink my progress, my goals, and decide about the future. I certainly didn't want to continue life carrying this burden. But I also didn't want to live alone. Was there any way to solve this problem?

On my daily afternoon walk with our two dogs, I prayed deeply about it. I saw that there was a lot I was still demanding of Jean, hoping that she would cooperate to achieve the remarkable state of union between us I knew was possible. It was clear that my intensity and manipulating were creating the discomfort. The union I so fervently wished for necessitated the agreement of both parties. I couldn't force her to do it. I had to let her proceed in her own way at her own pace. This realization eased my state of being considerably.

I slept alone that night and the next morning Jean joined me in bed. Immediately I felt the miserable feelings as though they were flowing directly from her body into mine like toxins. I simply relaxed, accepted it, and stayed with it. It continued to grow in intensity until it was unbearable. I prayed desperately to be shown a way out, or to at least understand what the feeling was.

I began to feel a focus of a sharp pain, and immediately willed myself into it. Simultaneously I remembered that when I woke up in the middle of the night I was on the edge of an extremely frightening experience. This also had been plaguing me for years, and especially as I had grown older. I often woke up in the middle of the night in deep, agonizing, inexplicable feelings, the worst of the whole day. I had grown used to them, and had dropped my concern about them, since once I was up and around they disappeared, and I was able to conduct myself in a comfortable and often joyous state.

But this morning as I experienced the sharp pain and remembered my nocturnal miseries, the two came together. I suddenly realized I was experiencing deeply within Jean the enormous pain of being unloved. The feeling was a desperate, anguished cry for love that soon spread throughout all of humanity. Humans everywhere, including myself, are agonized at the emptiness of our inner being.

I saw the need to fill this emptiness in Jean with love. I began to flow love to her, and as I did, God joined me and supplied His infinite reservoir of love. I could feel love flowing into all the compartments of her being. The miserable feelings dissolved and I was feeling only the wonder of God's love, and His capacity to wipe away the deepest suffering.

I realized this would be still more effective by expressing love through physical lovemaking. We came together in the most sensuous, wonderful, love-filled experience that I can remember. My mind was filled with Jean completely, and I did everything possible to convey tenderness, pleasure, and nurturing. It was an outstanding experience.

Then I realized I wished to be nurtured too, and I felt her nurturing essence begin to fill me. The joy and pleasure reached tremendous new heights as we were both being filled. Then suddenly the nurturing stopped flowing into me, and despite the most pleasurable stimulation, I lost my potency. I was yearning for completion, but the energy wasn't available.

I relaxed and I thought, "This is really karma." For many times in the past I had been completed and fulfilled when Jean was not. Now it was my turn to be left unfulfilled. But the yearning rapidly subsided as we relaxed into the joy of being together and sharing our warmth and love. And there would soon be a next time.

A very interesting thing that Jean shared with me was that at the beginning when I was sinking into misery, she was having the most enjoyable time ever being next to me. It was because I was so relaxed, and not trying or pushing!

The use of the sacraments played an important role in the progress of our lovemaking. The sacraments were very effective in amplifying sensuousness and intimacy, so that lovemaking continued to grow in pleasure and satisfaction. While the amplification of pleasure is highest while under the influence, much of the enhancement becomes permanent.

In the early stages of our marriage, when we each held considerable anger toward the other, the joy of lovemaking would often be followed by languidness or tiredness. Sometimes this would even get as strong as revulsion. Sexual hunger is a powerful drive, and sexual satisfaction is one of life's greatest pleasures. So lovemaking continues in many relationships long past the time of true affection. There are no doubt countless marriages in which the sex drive is the only thing that holds the couple together, and may be the only bit of pleasure derived from the relationship.

In my own case, during the time when I yearned for more understanding and affection, I felt I was violating my integrity by making love to a partner for whom I felt no affection. This created enormous self-hatred.

Our marriage improved substantially as I began to appreciate Jean's true nature. I caught up with my personal dynamic of putting Jean down instead of facing the very difficult task of changing my deeply ingrained habits. These habits centered on my self-absorption, shutting Jean out and not acknowledging her, and my unwillingness to relinquish my judgmental, critical attitude, as well as my resentments.

Much of my resentment was grounded in a deep, powerful self-hatred which I did not care to confront. It is much easier to project self-hatred onto those around you. I think it is a psychological truth that those to whom we are the closest and can therefore trust the most are often the target of our most severe projections.

My inability to hold on to the superior states of well-being that resulted from the use of the sacraments and from good meditations forced me to realize I had to break these habits. As I was able to do so, true affection began to grow.

As we opened to each other, it became possible to experience closer and closer the core of the other's being. This made it possible to feel a deeper, more profound love. It kept increasing in intensity until it became nurturing and fulfilling.

I began experiencing more frequently the Feminine Essence mentioned earlier in this chapter. I believe that men can perceive this as a nurturing, enrapturing nectar that fills us with consummate fulfillment, a peace and ecstasy that is beyond describing. It is what our nature calls for, yearns for. And it is available only by opening ourselves completely to our partner, allowing love to penetrate our being without reservation.

Such opening to one another allows the essence of our beings to bond deeply, to unite us in the most heart-felt love. And this in turn remarkably enhances lovemaking. This intimacy not only heightens the joy of all physical contact, but results in a healing, nurturing exchange of energy that charges us for the day. In the glow of such fulfillment, it is easy to see the remarkable beauty of life in all that surrounds us.

While many of the world's spiritual disciplines lay a path to ultimate fulfillment through solitude, I must report that every step that I have been able to accomplish has been a great deal more fulfilling in harmony with a loving partner. In view of the crippling obstacles that once polluted Jean's and my relationship, it is most satisfying to discover the affection and support that open the door to higher appreciation of the wonders around us. Again and again I express my gratitude for the intuition that helped me recognize that the difficulties were within myself, and for the forces that helped me gather the determination to keep working on the factors that kept us apart. Now there is the gratifying satisfaction of having a partner who is a true companion, a true helpmate -- one who makes it possible to appreciate the blessings of life. This is living at its utmost.