Chapter 13
Insights
In pouring over the records of our work, it took a great deal of selection to choose the
accounts to include in this volume. I wished to present those which might contribute most
directly to the understanding of psychedelic substances and their possible application. At the
same time, I did not wish to be repetitious or too wordy.
I was left with several incidents which I felt were significant and was reluctant to leave
out. I include them in this chapter for those who may enjoy more information.
- The marvel of self.
Related by a friend who most of her life has struggled to feel
secure: Wondering why I am so unloved, I see myself as a purple flower. All the petals are
people who love me. I am encouraged to look into the center of the flower. The deeper I
look, the more I discover I am loved. Then follows an intriguing series of vignettes, episode
after episode of life-type events. Each depicts how marvelous I am -- how insightful,
sensitive, perceptive, intelligent, helpful, capable, witty. I am shown every dimension of how
great I am.
- Fear of love.
I speculate out loud on a realization I had a few days earlier: why are
we so afraid of love? In the ensuing discussion, I feel the deep anguish of being separated
from God. I see all the foolish things people do to try to allay this anguish -- the drive for
accomplishment, recognition, acquiring wealth, seducing the opposite sex. None of these
bring ultimate satisfaction, which comes only from going directly to God.
- Mount Shasta.
Now as I look at Mount Shasta and am able to hold my mind steady,
I see it as a mighty symbol of beauty and love and of enormous power. It becomes crystal
clear to me that violence only begets violence. We are absolutely trapped, and strive as we
may, twist and turn as we may, we can never get anywhere except through love. This is the
universal law, and I have never felt so powerfully bound by it. Because this mighty mountain
is an outstanding symbol of God's power, humans scramble all over it to prove that they can
master it. But whatever satisfaction they get, it is only an expression of colossal arrogance
until they understand that real living involves loving and brotherhood.
- Encountering another.
The highlight of the experience comes for me about three
hours after starting, when I sit down to talk to Elnora. I become very free, open, insightful
and spontaneous. I wonder why she is making such issues of what seem to be such petty
things. I look at her and find myself moving deeply within her. The pain is incredible. She
has had a miserable childhood, with no love or support. Her father physically abused her, and
her older sister once tried to smother her to death, almost successfully. I can hold my focus
and bear the pain only with the help of God's love. I hope that by holding steady, it will help
her free herself. She looks back at me directly, and grows in strength and beauty. She is
radiant and extremely honest. I feel and verbalize that she is a true warrior of God.
Having agreed on our understanding of karma, I ask her why she had chosen to be born
into such an abusive family(1).
She's not sure, but it seems clear to me, though I prefer not to
say, hoping she will discover it herself. She is extremely sensitive, easily hurt, and I feel that
the inner wisdom which guides her life chose these events to permit her to learn how to
develop her inner strength. I have a clear view of Christ, who would gladly pick up her
burden if allowed.
I ask her if she has ever seen her own inner strength. She claims that she has, but I
somehow don't feel it, at least not at the depth that would burn up all the misery she is
carrying.
This encounter with Elnora felt particularly real. I felt totally free of my personality,
and operating from a very profound level.
- Enjoying life.
After some time spent enjoying the wonderful feelings of love, I find
a tendency for uncomfortable feelings to arise. I realize that there is still something deep
within me that insists on turning things sour. In fact as I look at people, I often see them as
miserable and uncomfortable. It occurs to me that I am projecting my own unhappiness upon
them.
I decide to directly face this place within me. I hold my attention there, and encounter
enormous resistance. But I maintain my attention, and the uncomfortable feeling begins to be
replaced with a good one. I become more and more aware that everything is good, that
everyone, despite my projections, is enjoying life far more than I realize, that enjoyment is a
major aim of the unfolding processes of life. I feel better and better within myself.
- Feeling fully.
I am aware of walls within myself holding in feelings. I feel the
wonder of allowing all of my feelings to be open to the fullest extent, regardless of what the
feeling is. This is what it means to be truly alive. It is an alternate way to describe wholeness
or liberation -- to feel every feeling to its fullest, richest capacity. Usually we allow ourselves
a mere fraction. Feeling the full depth is exquisitely satisfying, be it pleasure or pain. For
being fully alive is so totally satisfying and appropriate that even pain is exquisite, for from
this vantage point we see that pain is a by-product of love.
- Gratitude.
Fatigue is growing. I realize that I had gathered in a lot of energy, and
now it is important to express it. I get up and busy myself in the kitchen. Immediately I feel
worlds better. My body is extremely light and clear, and I am very energetic as I take care of
tasks. I experience doing tasks and serving others as a way of expressing my gratitude for all
the wonder and beauty of the day; it brings fulfillment. I again see clearly that to keep the
experience alive and not fall back to previous states, it is important to fully appreciate
everything that happens. This requires feeling and expressing the enormous gratitude that such
realizations deserve.
- Reaping rewards.
We are on the shady deck watching the sky. We move into an
extraordinarily beautiful part of the experience. I find that if I look at anything with complete
attention, it begins to unfold and come to life. It is much more enjoyable doing this in the
daylight and observing aspects of nature, rather than focusing within. I realize that my ability
to do this and the clarity with which I am able to see my surroundings is a result of the work I
did previously. The experience has turned to sheer beauty and enjoyment.
The next morning, after breakfast, a marvelous euphoria begins to rise within me. It
mounts higher and higher until I am overcome with delight. Suddenly all the discomfort that I
had gone through for years is paying off with enormous dividends. I say to Jean, "Whatever it
is we have to do -- face demons, pain, anger, fear, anguish, repugnance -- it is all worth it to
reach this marvelous level of euphoria, come unbidden and of its own accord."
I also remember past realizations that whatever time is spent directing one's gaze at God
is never wasted. It is somehow stored up within, to release itself in a wonderful flow of
feeling or creativity at some later, appropriate time.
- Partnership with God.
Moving to the sunny side of the house, we are protected by
the shade of our trees and a bit of cloud cover. The view of the mountains past the green
meadow is unusually striking this time of day, and for the next hour, we simply quietly relish
it. I find myself preoccupied with what seems like a difference between Tim's view and my
own. It is his recommendation to continue to surrender to the feelings until they resolve
themselves. I feel that he considers any attempt to direct our feelings is ego. My past
experiences support the view of partnership with God, where He wants a viable partner,
capable of taking initiative, and providing some interest. I decide that I must test this further.
Occasionally of late I get a glimpse of a higher order, where a special kind of light
seems to pervade everything, and there is an immense joy and brilliance associated with it. I
feel this is contact with a higher celestial level. I start to pay attention to this, and hold my
gaze steadily on it, inviting God's participation. After a while all my surroundings and my
body begin to glow with love. I relax the resistances that develop as I hold my gaze, and stay
focused on the love I am feeling. This love starts slowly at first, but then deepens and
deepens, until I am filled with a remarkable euphoria. Everything is glowing, outside as well
as within my body. I hold my mind still and simply enjoy the beauty and superb feelings.
I hold this for about an hour, and feel all charged up inside. For the first time I can ever
remember, I feel that perhaps I have experienced enough euphoria.
- From time to eternity.
We go down to the pond and pick a nice spot under the
willow tree, where we can appreciate the delicate shades of light on the water, the intimacy of
growing things all around us, and a delightful sky with a great variety of cloud formations. It
is peaceful to simply sit and observe. We are both still carrying some dregs of discomfort. I
decide to explore what happens when I intentionally focus on love, trying hard not to direct it,
but simply holding the focus so God can join me and reveal more clarity. The beauty grows,
and the feelings change to euphoria. I am aware of the wonderful energy coming from Jean. I
also get the sense that God is very lonely, as so few people turn their attention toward Him.
But despite the lack of response and His sadness over it, He is constantly pouring out His love
to all of creation. It is a sublime feeling to pour out my love to God. As I think about love, I
realize that true love gives of itself and gives generously, and asks nothing in return.
Suddenly I have an experience I have never had before. It is as if the stream of time
suddenly splits, and there is a little crack in the continuity. I slip through the crack, and
encounter Eternity!! In the region of Eternity is the most incredible love, far beyond any
understanding of it that I have previously known. I remember the quote "Love is Eternal,"
and see that all true love exists on this level, which seems to be in another world beyond our
ordinary world of daily affairs, and completely independent of time. It is there waiting and
supporting, and ready to enter our individual world when the circumstances are right.
I remember Bartholomew telling me in a private reading that whatever we do in love
always remains, is always with us to be carried on through other lifetimes. How marvelously
satisfying to know that this level is there, and that we can learn to reach it and hopefully
participate in it more and more. This alone gives great meaning and purpose to life. It is
exquisite to sense this dimension of loving Eternity.
I again try to slip through time to re-experience it fully. It is hard to do, but I am
enormously satisfied to know that it is there, that it is possible to experience it, and I know
that having done it once it will be possible to enter again. What greater goal in life can one
have than to learn to enter this incredible domain over and over again?
- Buddhism and Psychedelics.
I enter a phase which is the most important part of the
experience for me. I hold the clear space within, and get an enormous appreciation of the
whole Buddhist movement. These are probably the most committed people on the face of the
earth in surrendering their lives totally to God, honoring God, and being channels for His
light.
I see the enormous beauty of my meditation teacher, his dedication, and his
accomplishments. Although I have been a little critical of a lot of the structure that has
developed around Buddhism, I see this as relatively insignificant. It is all part of the process
of developing a system to train new adepts, and have them learn enough to eventually become
their own source of Being.
I look up at the mountains, seeing not only the enormous strength of the mountains, but
the strength and power of the Buddhist tradition. I see how committed seekers are willing to
patiently spend years and years of practice to reach the point of being touched by God, an
experience that is so earth-shaking and so rewarding that it is a completely sufficient reward
for all of the years of patient meditation. Having just had a fresh taste, I can appreciate the
full depth and power of such an experience. And this of course is what has driven the whole
movement, there being adepts who have so experienced the Numinous that they inspire many
others to dedicate themselves to the same search. I feel an enormous appreciation for all of the
teachers and traditions that keep this movement alive and moving forward. And a great
appreciation for my teacher's place in it.
So in the light of the full awareness of the importance and power of tradition and the
work of all the wise ones who went before, I address the problem of understanding as clearly
as possible the role of the sacraments. I can see that the use of substances represents a
universal problem. There are always bright, fresh people who want to break away from
tradition and establish their own approach. There is a paradox here. In one respect, a lot of
such breaking away is ego-driven, the need for individuals to establish their own sense of
importance. Yet it is extremely important to continue to find new and better ways.
The proper way, as I experience it, is to fully appreciate and honor those that have gone
before and what they have contributed. I have often been reluctant to do this. I see that the
motive for breaking away from tradition is extremely important. It is essential to be devoted
to truth, and to be truly serving the Highest, which means being aware of the best outcome
for everyone.
The end objective of all the practices is very clear: to establish contact with the Source.
>From this point on, the Source becomes the Guiding Light, and each individual becomes a
sustaining, expanding channel for the Highest. It is clear that the work we have done with
psychedelics has greatly accelerated this process. This has been accomplished by clearing out
conditioning and repressed material, which permits more ready access to the inner core of
being, the source of light. The psychedelics are practically a necessity for Western peoples,
who are not going to sit for hours attempting to discipline their minds and develop sufficient
power of attention to reach the higher levels of being and understanding.
With the opening provided by a good psychedelic experience, persons will more readily
embrace a life of personal and spiritual growth. Disciplines aimed at such developmental
goals become much more appealing. In addition, a good psychedelic experience enables a
person to more readily attain rewarding states of meditation practice. The time to reach
gratifying states of peace, stability, clarity, and rejuvenation is compressed, and the levels
achieved are more profound.
Chapter 13 Notes
- Some esoteric traditions that accept reincarnation believe that between births, the
individual has an opportunity to review past lives, particularly the most recent one, from a
much broader, unrestricted perspective. As a result, decisions can be made about the next
incarnation. Situations and events can be chosen which will best foster future growth. Since
Elnora accepts this view, I could take this approach with her. See also the discussion of Past
Lives Therapy, Chapter 4, pages 63-64.
- Buddhists do not use the word God, but refer to Buddha nature, the inherent,
essential ground of mind and of reality. I am sure there is no real difference. I experience
this dimension in such a personal way that I deeply feel and am personally convinced of a
Supreme Creator and interactive Teacher. Consequently I prefer to use the term God. My
perception of God embraces all the aspects of reality taught in Buddhism. But it includes the
recognition of an active Force that is not always apparent in Buddhist teachings, which often
tend to be much more passive. I see this as a major difference between Western religions,
which are highly theistic, and Eastern religions. I strongly feel that each has much to offer to
the other.
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