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Good Friends Along the Way II
Gil is one of the closest friends I have. We met in the early 1960's, when Al Hubbard was attempting to enlist the backing of the Compudyne Corporation to support his enterprises. Gil was one of Compudyne's bright young men, who instantly formed an immediate rapport with Hubbard. He proved to be a very skillful traveler on the Hubbard space flights, which led to a deep friendship between the two. It wasn't long until Gil became a major supporter of Hubbard's work. Financially, Gil and I were the two major contributors to Hubbard Enterprises. There was a major difference. Hubbard hoodwinked me out of every contribution. My gifts were described by Al as loans that would advance the cause of psychedelic research throughout the world. I expected the full return of my money!! Gil, on the other hand, was a great deal brighter than me, and saw right through Hubbard's shenanigans. He ended up advancing more funds than I did. However, in his case he knew what was happening, and knew that he would never see his money again. His support was truly genuine. Gil used the substances very effectively for learning and honing his skills. The result was that he became an extremely effective manager. Enhancing his very considerable native skills, he readily learned to separate wishful thinking, misperceptions, and defensiveness from facts. He learned how to quickly penetrate to the heart of a problem and instill clear communication. He established a track record and reputation that will always put him in demand, especially for businesses experiencing difficulties that need rapid resolution. A strange affinity existed between Gil and me. We rapidly became fast friends. He had a marvelous disposition, and was full of energy and wit. He had no pretenses whatsoever, and was completely accepting. This made it easy to share intimately on any subject. We always had good times together. The deep bond we felt for each other is what brotherhood should truly be. As he rose up the corporate ladder, Gil became very preoccupied with managing his companies, so that we seldom saw each other. So I was very pleased when he decided to retire at an early age, and we could spend time together. He never lost interest in the sacraments. Exploration into the dimensions of consciousness was very appealing, and he was a skilled traveler. He knew the territory well, and had transcended many of the briar patches where I was still inclined to get snarled. He was eager to learn of the new substances, and we had great times exploring them together. I found Gil an ideal traveling companion. He readily moved into expanded consciousness, a vantage point from which he was a source of wisdom and penetrating percep tions. Because of our deep acceptance of each other, we easily reached a deep rapport which allowed communication to flow freely. Our minds harmonized well and supplemented each other, so that we could have creative discussions and find ready answers to most of the problems we tackled. The following extracts from a journey we shared with 2C-E will indicate some of the ways that this substance can be useful. At the time of this particular journey, Gil was immersed in several heavy problems. He was functioning at as poor a level as I had ever seen. He was facing some very difficult decisions in the work-place, and there were a lot of pressures from his marriage. Gil had gone out of retirement to rescue a failing company engaged in the area of business in which Gil was most experienced. The money was appealing, as well as the chance to escape some of the domestic frustrations. I suspect that the principal reason was that it was hard to retire and allow important, highly developed faculties lie fallow. At any rate, he had done a magnificent job in turning the bleeding company profitable, and now greater demands were being put upon him. Recognizing his talents, corporate management hoped he would cure two other ailing companies in similar fields. Gil had considered several alternatives, and was not sure which direction to go. If management accepted his proposal, it would tie him up for several years with an intense effort, and would take a lot of energy. Another major problem was with his wife Grace, and with satisfactorily working out their relationship. Without her committed support, he would be unable to carry out the first project. A number of things needed to be resolved in their relationship.
We both take 15 m.g. of 2C-E. As it develops, we find it very intense. We very much
feel the heavy load we are both carrying, and struggle for quite some time to work our way
through.
Gil reports that this is the most uncomfortable experience he has ever had. He always manages to break through to the higher levels which are quite euphoric, and he has never mucked around in this kind of stuff before. We each proceed on our inner journey, working to resolve our troubled feelings. After two hours we feel that we have done enough at this level, and are ready to talk to each other. For the next couple of hours, we have extensive discussions about Gil's work situation. A lot of the problem stems from the Chairman of the Board of the parent company. He had backed the purchase of three companies to get their corporation into a new market area that looked appealing. They didn't know this business field, and paid too much for the companies. All three are taking formidable losses. The Chairman does not wish to acknowledge his error. He is hoping that Gil can put a program together to turn the companies profitable and rescue him, as he has done with the one company they hired him to manage. Gil is willing to do this, but he sees that it would be easier to scrap these three plants and start from scratch and build new plants. It would actually cost less money. But it might cost more than they are willing to spend. We spend a lot of time talking about his relationship with Grace and a lot of the difficulties he has in his marriage. Many of these difficulties are parallel to those in my relationship with Jean. As we talk, I become much clearer on many of the aspects of my own marriage. I definitely see that one of the things that is holding back deepening the bonding between Jean and me is the lack of a complete commitment. There are times when I still like to sit on the fence and fantasize other possibilities. I see that if I cut out these escape mechanisms and focus the energy into our relationship, I could improve it considerably. As I share this with Gil, he sees that the same thing applies to his situation. We share openly and deeply about many aspects of our life and our functioning. The exchange is fascinating, because we have quite different ways of evaluating data in many areas. Our enhanced perception causes each of us to examine carefully something the other sees of value that otherwise we might rapidly reject. We are both learning a lot from each other because of our different approaches. Gil has always been very sure about what he wants to do. He's always felt that as soon as he became clear on his goal, then the universe cooperated to help it materialize. He has never been unsure of the right course of action. This was the first time in his life that he has been confused and really didn't know which way to turn. Gil usually gets the answers right away, and they are very clear-cut. This time they wouldn't come, and he got the message, "You don't want this answer." As we talk we both feel much better. It seems very important to talk and share at the customary level. It also generates more data to work with when we withdraw inwardly to search our way to more comprehensive understanding. I have been so deeply involved in my feelings that I am out of touch with Gil, and it is very difficult to get my head to work. Gil has a great need to talk about his business situation and his role in it, but I have a hard time following him. Usually one of the things I have greatly enjoyed during experiences with Gil is that we get into very clear spaces and we think very well together. We stimulate each other repeatedly to clarify the thinking of both of us. Now I feel so sluggish that I have a hard time comprehending everything that is going on. I begin to see a number of very significant things. First, I see how my spending time to myself and being alone a lot of the time has focused my energy into a very narrow pattern of simply enjoying my environment. This has cut me off from communication to the extent that it is much more difficult to follow the affairs of the world. I see that I need to stay in better contact with others and their worlds and to listen carefully so that I don't withdraw into a rut. The discussions with Gil are touching on many important aspects of my life. I see the investment I have made in psychedelics being a cure for the world. I want people who use them effectively like Gil to be outstanding in their performance and functioning. It is very important to me that Gil be very successful in whatever he is doing, because this would reflect credit on our path of using psychedelics. I also see how much I live vicariously through Gil, depending a lot on him and his abilities to make interesting things happen in my life. I am constantly aware of the enormous turmoil involved in all of the issues that Gil has brought up as well as my own issues. Some of the things I ponder are like these: If the use of these substances makes one a more responsible human being and more capable of doing something worthwhile in the world, is Gil's management of a munitions supplying firm making a worthwhile contribution? Shouldn't it be possible for a person of Gil's very extensive skills and competence to make a much greater contribution to the world? And is this any of my business? How should the effect on other people's lives influence business decisions? For example, if Gil drops out, the company he has rescued may fail and the people in it lose their jobs. On the domestic side, what about the rift between Grace and Gil as Gil continues to use these substances for greater understanding and Grace is reluctant to look into them? What about my own contributions? I have always hoped that Gil and I might do something together, but now I see I was relying on skills. I need to develop something based on my own skills. Right now I feel a heavy resistance to my main project, which is evaluating and summarizing my work. As time goes on and we thrash through all these different issues, a form of assimilation and integration gradually takes place. It is interesting how bringing all the issues into awareness results in improved well-being, even if the issues are not completely resolved. It is as though the inner computer is satisfied when it gets all the information. It can then work on this at its leisure. It is the withholding of information that is the source of discomfort. The result is that we feel better and better. My mind clears and I am able to focus more completely on Gil's business problems and make some intelligent observations. My major contribution is to help him understand that his successful performance should be appreciated, not exploited. It is important for him to allow time and spaces for rejuvenation, or his skills and energy will be drained. And it is important that management recognizes this. At one point he feels that he has a major breakthrough, seeing clearly the route that he should take in his business career. It involves being honest with himself and with the situation; the other people can accept the consequences or not, he doesn't really care. If they accept, fine, he will carry out the project. If not, he feels that he has already made a major contribution with which he is satisfied, and he can leave with a clear conscience. He also becomes quite clear about what he wishes to resolve with Grace. I notice that when talking to Gil, it pulls me out of some of the turmoil of my feelings into another level of functioning. I call this level consensus reality. It is a good place and has a good feeling, and is a position of objectivity over one's thoughts and feelings. I am confident this is the level on which we eventually want to come out, in tune with our fellow beings. It is at this level that feelings of love and warmth build up, a stabilizing, comfortable level. It is no doubt at this level that therapy works. There seems to be something much more satisfying about it than just being with your own thoughts in your own head. One of the things that has puzzled me through the day, especially the early part of the day, is that I have not been able to feel close to Gil. In the past I have always felt great around him, and we've always had good times in these experiences. Now I feel no warmth for him at all, and in fact I am inclined to look at him very coldly and with great detachment. However, I find this is true with me right now with everyone in general, so that I feel that I am working through my own very deep coldness and aloofness. As the day wears on this dissolves steadily, and I begin to feel closer to Gil. By the latter part of the afternoon, I have moved into a place of euphoria. This is helped significantly by a further withdrawal with music. I put on Gounod's St. Cecilia Mass, and it is exceptionally beautiful. It lifts us both into a different level of experience. I feel God right before me, and feel that I can communicate with Him. Before, I felt that to follow the Fenelon prayer I simply made myself as open as possible and flowed with whatever happened. Now I feel that I can ask for specific outcomes. I ask what is the most important thing for me to learn. The answer comes back with great certainty, Love is the only answer. I experience loving in many aspects and many dimensions, and it is gloriously rapturous. I then ask why I have to suffer so. The answer comes to me that I was not present during the agonizing part of the experience. In other words, the heart of this experience is the opportunity to communicate with God. I was simply laying back and letting happen and didn't have any feeling of being in God's Presence. I remember the part of the prayer that says "I present myself to Thee" and I had not really presented myself. I was just laying there and letting things happen. So now I present myself. I have the feeling of looking God straight in the eye. This is very, very difficult, and requires gathering up all of my being, all my strength, and all of my determination, just focusing directly ahead of me. This is a wonderful experience, and the skies open up and I see all the profound beauty in the clouds, in the mountains, in my surroundings. The sluggish feelings that I have been experiencing dissolve. I see that I can heal my uncomfortable feelings by pouring love into them. And yet I have to do it carefully, because I don't want to get into my old error of contriving these situations; I want it to come from the Source. I see again that I need but to focus my attention in a given direction and allow God or the Universe or my deeper Self, whatever you want to call it, to simply carry out the action and fulfill the reality. This is a wonderful, magnificent feeling that glows throughout my being. The euphoria grows along with the deep feeling of love and well-being and warmth within myself. It is getting close to sunset and we walk out on the land to my favorite flat rock. Now I am feeling an intense closeness with Gil, and it seems that the two of us together are generating an immense energy field. Even Spatzy, our oldest dog, now crippled with arthritis and who has not been more than a hundred feet from the house for the last two weeks, has walked over to the rock with us. This is a distance of about two hundred yards. We enjoy the beauty of the setting sun and the vision around us with all of its colors and shadows and light. We walk back to the house very content. We both feel that we have done an extraordinary amount of work. We have had an enormous struggle and have worked through the things that have bothered us, and have come to areas of resolution. I still feel quite tired and a bit of latent sluggishness, which is characteristic for me with 2C-E. I take this as an indication that I am not being totally and completely in the moment. I therefore welcome it as a helping signal. The next day is remarkably different. All the dregs of the experience, which the 2C-E so effectively allows into consciousness, have totally disappeared. I feel extremely energized, along with a very deep and satisfying euphoria. Gil and I review the previous day as we talk together. It is very satisfying to be in his presence. He is enormously grateful for the experience and for the opportunity to come through all the confusion and once more reach clarity. He feels that a great, great deal had been accomplished. He leaves early, as he is anxious to talk to Grace and reach some agreements with her. He will then prepare for meeting with his company the next day and getting his business plans on track. I find 2C-E is a remarkable working material. I discovery it makes me go deeper into my unnecessary garbage and keeps me at it until it is resolved. The following day I feel a great deal freer and that things have been done at a very deep level. The wonderful freeing of the foregoing experience was followed by a setback in which some of the old, uncomfortable feelings returned. I began to recognize a pattern. The experience dissolved some of the powerful walls of resistance holding down deep layers of repressed material. With these barriers weakened, such deeply buried material can work its way to the surface in the days following the session. I have experienced a day or two of this following each significant exploration in the last year or so, and am now becoming more aware of it. Following the uncomfortable eruption, I settle into a space of peace. This is helped by recognizing that new energy has been released and can be focused into the new areas of realization to help make them permanent. This new space incorporates such features as the feeling of a newly cleansed being with space and emptiness within, the feeling of oneness with my surroundings with no intervening barrier, the ease of getting into deep meditation in a matter of minutes to drop tiredness or any other negative feeling, clarity of thought and perception, the ease and value of being completely in the moment. There is a profound realization of the impossibility of avoiding pain, and being much more aware of its presence. It seems that for me a requirement of reaching this stage of awareness has been the willingness to accept and experience pain. A big puzzle still is why I have had to experience so much pain. I am sure my future learning will shed more light on this. For now, I can see this ground has been hard-won through the willingness to totally experience whatever has been presented for me to experience, no matter how painful, and the outcome has been worth it many times over.
I met Tim quite by accident. His son was in custody of close friends of my son, who were all visiting us. Tim came by to pick up his boy. This proved to be an important door opening for Jean and me. I took an immediate shine to Tim. We shared common interests, and it soon became clear that Tim was one of the courageous explorers who tenaciously held out for the highest realization. He exuded kindness, gentleness, and wisdom. My son often had difficulty hiding the fact that he is one of the special persons who clearly understands the workings of the universe. I was most impressed with Tim's ability to be patient and gentle and see Jerry in the highest possible light. Our interest was mutual, and we knew that we must see more of each other. This turned out to be difficult, and it wasn't until two years later that a sound opportunity evolved. I was baby-sitting my two granddaughters in Burbank so their parents could take a trip to Germany. Daytimes were free and I was able to catch up on previously missed opportunities. Our meeting resembled soulmates coming together. A radiant energy came from Tim. As we each shared what was most meaningful to us, we nudged and inspired each other into a near-transcendental state of being. We were both excited by the other's work; we agreed to spend time together for mutual exploration. Loving our part of the country, Tim came to see us first. The first morning we were together, Tim introduced us to some of his techniques. He asked us to lie on the floor and relax while he put on some intriguing music. We followed his instructions for breathing a little deeper and faster than normal without tensing up. As we did this, we were encouraged to allow our bodies to vibrate and shake. Much to our amazement, with his encouragement and judicious placing of his hands on tense parts of our body, we both began to shake with considerable frenzy. We worked off a surprising amount of repressed energy that had been locked in our bodies by literally shaking it out. It took a little over an hour, and left us feeling greatly relieved and refreshed. This was followed by a stimulating hike in the grandeur of the High Sierras. The following day we explored together with 2-CE, which was new to Tim. He had been excited about my personal reports and was anxious to try it. The following is the account of our journey:
We all take 10 m.g. each of 2C-E. Following Tim's suggestion, the day is directed to
an inner journey. It is very rewarding to sit in a chair and focus inward, following inner
feelings. After the first hour the going gets sludgy, as is often the case with me using this
substance. Staying focused on the feelings works off repressed material, but the feelings seem
to continue to grow more powerful and more uncomfortable. Tim's advice is to stay with it;
in time the feelings will be resolved. This confirms my previous experience, but I wish I
could find a more pleasant way to do it. However, Tim's advice increases my determination
to focus more directly on the inward process.
About three hours later, Tim and I each take 5 m.g. more 2C-E. I continue the same process as before. At first events go much more rapidly; I threaten to explode into some new, expanded level. But then I bog down again, sinking deeper and deeper into what feels like a wall of totally solid hatred and resentment. In the past I have always used my head to find some approach to get out of the discomfort, like focusing on love. This time I was determined not to use any volition whatever, and simply see where the experience took me. This is extraordinarily hard work, and takes much determination and persistence. Yet I am determined to find the outcome of this approach. I hope I can drop these miserable feelings once and for all. I very much feel my irritation for certain specific people. Jean is one of them, as I find her attitude very caustic a great deal of the time. However, my resentment goes much deeper, until I feel I am occupying the general pool of hatred and suffering that permeates the world. I discover that I am in the middle of the general condition that currently pervades humankind on earth. I am desperately searching for resolution, realizing that what I am seeking for myself is also the answer for the whole world. Once in a while I take a much needed break to look outside and talk briefly with the others. We are all on our independent journeys, and don't wish to interrupt our work. I am completely concentrated on resolving the miserable inner feelings. I begin to get some interesting insights accompanying my release of feelings. I see that a lot of my anger is caused by me not being myself, and not saying what I really think and feel because of my fear of what others will think. I see very clearly my constant catering to others, trying to please them. I spend a lot of time on this dynamic, but never feel that I reach the initial cause of this pattern. At mid-afternoon I begin to feel somewhat better, and start getting more insights. One interesting sequence of events is looking at situations that have irritated me. I see that I was right to feel the way that I did, but that there is a better response which makes everything whole. An example is my irritation when Jean gets angry while I am describing the way something works. I see I am right, but need to find a better way to explain it to her. For a while I review one situation after another of a similar nature, with gratifying results. I also see very clearly that the people I am irritated with are the ones to whom I don't express my true feelings. I hate myself for not being able to do so, but refuse to acknowledge my self-hatred and project it onto them. This went deep enough so that now, two days later, when I feel any irritation I look carefully at what's happening and see a satisfying resolution. Tim is very much taken up by his own experience, and having a marvelous time. He greatly appreciates the compelling splendor of the surrounding rocks, desert plants and towering mountains. We are having a magnificent fall day. He is clearing up a lot within himself and enjoying it immensely. He is not interested in general conversation, but wants to hold it for later. Jean is having a very beautiful day, very relaxed and enjoyable. She is quite content to be to herself. I go off alone to my flat rock that I so much enjoy, and spend about an hour there. I feel wonderful being alone, engrossed in the exquisite countryside, now alive with light and energy. I am very much looking for answers, but again feel that I do not want to use any volition whatsoever, which is what I have so often done in the past. In fact at one point it appears that when I use pressure to create love or beauty, it is automatically followed by negative feelings, as this level of duality must stay in balance. The only way to find the peace I am searching for is to totally relinquish control and find the very Essence. I realize that I am looking for a point at which I don't have to choose, where everything is blissful and taken care of perfectly. Yet at our ordinary level of functioning we exercise choice. This is all right, but we must be fully prepared to accept complete responsibility for our choice. I see myself making lots of choices, but unwilling to bear total responsibility for the consequences. This is generating a lot of pain. The consequences of many choices can be painful, but the pain is more bearable when incurred intentionally.
Back at the rock, I look up at the sky and am able to let go. I can feel various parts of my body relinquishing repressed energy. This feels marvelous. I want to know what truly exists if I let go completely, using no personal influence whatsoever. This is very frightening. Suppose there is nothing -- no Supreme Creator in which to put one's trust!! I breathe through my fear and stay with it. At one point I feel I am on the edge of incredible, indescribable beauty that might be more than the body can stand. I do nothing to force it to develop, but simply wait and watch. I feel how marvelous is trust and patience. Everything becomes more and more clear, but it is surprisingly free of affect. I don't get into the euphoria and sense of inner well-being that I am accustomed to. But I stay with it for some time, as I feel I am clearing out whole areas of my body. The lack of joy doesn't matter, as I am dedicated to the search. After a while euphoria begins to creep in somewhat, and I return to the house. My body feels extremely light and free; it is gratifying to simply observe everything around me while ceasing conceptual thought. Tim has gone off to climb my meditation rock. Jean and I sit on the deck watching the sunset. The beauty is overpowering, and it is good to feel the warmth coming from another person. When the sun sinks behind the mountain, astonishing energy radiates up in the light rays glowing over the mountains. I have a great sense of the immensity we are immersed in, and though I am still somewhat blocked off from it, I feel very satisfied with my progress. I am steadily growing in the awareness of this enormity within my being. This is my goal and my intention. All day I have not felt my usual sense of Presence, which I usually invite with volition. I make this invitation, and it is very fulfilling. I see that the way out of all the pain and suffering is in partnership with this Presence, feeling love. I know that only Divine love can heal the enormous rages I was experiencing. But I still have much to learn about how to avail myself of this love. Three days later things are progressing well. The anger has dissipated, and I am very much at peace. I am taking it easy, letting things flow and insights appear without my usual compulsive searching. An ongoing awareness is building of the vastness of the inner light, and how without overtly pushing I can be an avenue for it. This inner light will ultimately clear up the discomfort I have so often carried with me. I can get a profound taste of this light by simply sitting and watching the clarity of the beauty that surrounds our home. While this report may not seem much different than other experiences I have described, it is quite different in the naturalness with which it manifested itself. In no previous experience have I devoted the time so completely to the inner process. This is the procedure recommended by Tim. The result is that I feel much more work was done, and my whole being has freed up considerably. This has left a lasting improvement in well-being. I have learned much about how helpful it is to breathe more deeply to relieve tensions that build up. This seems to provide more energy to allow the feelings to dissipate, while maintaining a relaxed state. At one point in the heavy part of this last experience, I could smell the repulsive odor of ether from a childhood operation for removal of adenoids. The fear associated with this operation has kept me breathing at a shallow level most of my life. I find that deep breathing creates more aliveness and brings more energy. This is no doubt another reason why I find climbing in the mountains so rejuvenating. This experience cemented our relationship to Tim, and has laid the groundwork for continuing friendship.
I have commented on how experiences with psychedelic drugs are considerably enhanced with good companions. Should the friend also be a competent therapist, the enhancement is even more rewarding! Max is a very good friend who has participated in a number of our research endeavors. Warm, personable, conscientious, he has made great personal progress over the last few years. He has been eager to investigate and train in various disciplines, constantly adding to his skills so that he may better serve his clients. Some of the skills embrace alternative treatment methods, such as using enhanced perception and bioenergy. These skills add significantly to his ability to heal. We have enjoyed Max a great deal as a personal friend, and his increasing competence has served to add to the benefits that Jean, I, and other friends receive from our mutual explorations. The following are some illustrations of his ability to help, taken from our adventures together:
Releasing feelings.
We take a walk, and in talking to Max, he makes some suggestions
for dealing with the feelings I get caught up in. He feels that I stew in them instead of
resolving them. Back in the living room, I work with him on this. He says it is important to
say out loud what I am feeling. I do, moving into a feeling of utter tiredness and dejection. I
say out loud, "It's too much." He asks me what is too much, and I suddenly realize that I am
carrying the burden of trying to heal the whole world. I verbalize this, and he asks if I am
willing to give the burden back. He says it is extremely important to consider each person in
my life and give their load back to them.
This is an enormous relief, and brings overwhelming insights. I see with great clarity how I have assumed these burdens with my desire to be the healer, and how important it is to let every person be themself and do as they wish. These perceptions bring enormous relief. Then Max pipes up, "I'll bet you picked up a lot of it without even being asked!" With the penetration of this truth I broke down into uncontrollable laughter. What an outstanding release! Using energy. Max and I are sitting in the hot tub. I report that I have a lot of pain and stiffness in my neck. He reaches over and puts his hand on my neck and asks me to relax. Very shortly I feel a warm, marvelous energy flowing into my neck, relieving the tension. Soon the ache and the stiffness are gone, and I have a nice glow within my body. What a superb talent he has!! Another situation. Max is working with Elnora, who is having a very difficult time working through her feelings. I am enthralled by the skill he is exhibiting. I am completely aware of his kindness, his gentleness, his patience, his loving support, and his adroit questions which help to focus her attention on the issues that need resolving. My admiration for Max as a therapist jumps by quantum leaps as I observe him in action. I see that in order to understand how to most effectively be of help, Max opens himself completely so that he deeply feels the excruciating pain Elnora is repressing. I gain still another profound level of appreciation for how a good therapist functions: I see Max's complete willingness to feel the depth of the client's pain so as to better understand it and work for resolution. I can feel it myself, and it takes great determination and detachment to experience that intensity of discomfort. Yet the depth of the pain is what elicits a corresponding deep compassion. I express my admiration to Max for his skills, and appreciation for the depth of his supporting love. He replies, "Thank you. But it doesn't do any good unless the other person is willing to let it in." This comment drives home an important truth to me. All we can do is offer our help and support. It is still up to the person to decide whether or not to accept it.
At the beginning of Chapter 10, I described the special joy of sharing sacramental experiences with good friends, and the dynamics I think take place. But sometimes it is possible to experience bliss simply because of the very essential goodness of the other parties, and the high regard you hold for them. This adventure with Bill and Joanna is such an instance. It illustrates how outstanding things can be when the conditions are just right. The conditions in this case include two exceptional friends, combining the wonderful qualities of great intelligence, being extremely competent, and who are warm, lovable persons. The other preeminent condition was a setting surrounded by nature in its full abundance. We spent the better part of the day on the newly acquired property of our two friends. A magnificent house is under construction and much of it has been framed, with the floors of three stories already set in. We made ourselves comfortable in what will be the living room, looking through large open window frames over the surrounding grounds. The front of the house is somewhat like the prow of a ship, so that there is a front window, about four feet high by six feet wide, and two identical windows on either side slanting back from the middle one, giving views in other directions. Beautifully designed, the house sits with grandeur on top of a hill, an ideal place of command over the surrounding countryside. Out the windows, one sees a beautiful green meadow below with a good-sized pond off to the left. Patches of dark green give evidence of underground springs. The meadow is surrounded by a thick forest containing a great variety of trees. They are of all shapes and sizes, mostly conifers, but also some deciduous trees, blending tall, narrow forms with spreading branches. The entire area is covered by a variety of flowers, testimony to the sweeping proliferation and ingenuity of nature in providing an endless spectrum of patterns, shapes, and colors. I find the most outstanding sight of all is looking through the central window directly at Mount Herman, a remarkably beautiful mountain in full view from the house. It rises majestically above the surrounding lowlands, to commanding, snow-covered heights. This readily becomes the focus of attention when peering out the windows. Before leaving for the property, our friend Bill, Jean, and I each ingest 10 m.g. of what is proving to be our favorite sacrament, 2C-E. Bill's wife, Joanna, chooses not to imbibe. After the one-half hour drive, we are just beginning to feel it. We make ourselves comfortable in the living room-to-be, sit down to visit, and our experience develops rapidly. As my energy level rises, I can feel the enormous goodness of our host and hostess. Our combined energy sweeps me up to higher levels of realization, and I begin to experience penetrations of the Numinous. Despite my efforts at control, this brings forth considerable sobbing. At these moments the surrounding beauty is simply overpowering, and the sheer wonder of what I see completely takes me over. When Bill and Joanna return from a walk, I immediately feel the wonderful energy coming from them, and once more approach an exalted state of consciousness. As I look at the mountain, the beauty becomes so intense it is hard to endure, yet it is so ecstatic it is worth totally surrendering myself to be at the complete call of whatever is orchestrating this experience. The joy of being in the presence of our friends is incredible, and I feel myself being carried into wonderful spaces. We are truly a remarkable group, and the 2C-E is an outstanding elixir. I keep repeating, the only way to describe this experience is that it is an enormous grace. Grace is what I continue to feel through and through. As I sit looking at Jean, I search for her essence. I begin to feel a delightful, heavenly, exquisite love coming from her, that I consider the essence of femininity. It is very subtle, and I feel that I had erected numerous barriers to prevent it from reaching me. I allow the barriers to dissolve and the love grows in strength. This is as satisfying and wondrous a feeling as one can possibly want. I must, must keep this channel open. The feeling is so exquisite that it feels like the Divine Feminine Presence is at hand. As I think about Bill, I see him as a noble soul -- honest, just, and competent -- one of the beings trying to bring integrity into the world. He has been fighting a hard battle with difficult forces so characteristic of many large corporations -- the unconcern for the welfare of individuals, the demand for unquestioning obedience, irrational decisions made independent of those possessing the most intimate knowledge, poor communication, holding unjustified blame. It has greatly worn him down. Now he has chosen an ideal spot that is extremely nourishing. Here he can recover from the blows that have been dealt to him, gain strength and perspective, and once more be in a position to contribute. This is a great paradox that I see again and again. The very sensitive souls are those with the capacity to discern and understand; they are in touch with their creative and caring levels. But because of their great sensitivity, they are the ones most hurt by the brutalities of the world. Yet this seems to me to be their goal in life: to gain strength so that they can handle the cruder aspects of life and still have available their sensitivity, so they can better serve the needs of the world. Later I decide to join the others in a walk around the property. I gather myself up and focus all of my energy on being fully aware of my surroundings. When I walk out into the grasses and the flowers and the trees, I am simply overcome by the depth of the beauty surrounding me. Wherever I look is pure enchantment. Everything is glowing with God's magnificent presence. I yell at those ahead of me, "How can you rush so fast through such beauty?" The high level of joy continues throughout the day, penetrating more and more deeply into my body. In the late afternoon Bill drives us down the Jordan River, and again words cannot adequately describe the peace, the contentment, and the sheer beauty of the remarkable views. The river is an outstanding one, and lies in a broad, deep canyon composed of massive basalt cliffs, alive with color and intriguing surfaces. The banks are cultivated, revealing green fields and many species of trees, their branches waving in the breeze. Everything that comes into view, even a freight car, seems charged with the glory of its own existence and full of significance. The all-pervading love binds everything together, and I can do nothing but simply open myself to the bliss and the wonder of it all. It is difficult indeed to muster sufficient gratitude to appreciate the inordinate beauty of this day, and the superb bliss of being in deep harmony with cherished friends.
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